America's Next Top Model - 8.5 - "If I Only Wasn't Dead"

Okay, I'm going to start this week off with a prediction. Before the show even started, I said, "How much do you want to bet that the photo shoot this week is dealing with either drugs or death?" No one took me up on my bet because we all know how evil this show can be. Every year when someone experiences some sort of tragedy, the show will try to take advantage of that for heightened drama. Like the year Kahlen's best friend died and the very next shoot had her lying in a casket at the bottom of a grave.

This show is so classy.

So anyway, the show begins once again this week with scenes of Diana and Whitney giving themselves pedicures. Ew. Feet. Diana is whining about how horrible it was to be in the bottom two and how she never wants to be there again. Well, chances are you will be, honey.

Whitney once again reminds us that she went to Dartmouth. Yes, dear, we know. You tell us every week. This week she tells us that she doesn't have any financial aid, so she owes her father $9000 for the semester she skipped to be on ANTM. And after all she's sacrificed, she doesn't appreciate the judges telling her she doesn't look like a model. Yeah, toots, and I don't appreciate the fact I don't get paid ten grand a pop to do this recap. Whatever. Hey, Diana, here is a crazy idea. Try looking like a model.

Tyra Mail! "Strike a pose as if there's nothing to it. -- love Tyra." Madonna quotes... Could this show get any gayer? Just you wait.

Felicia teaches Jael a dance to distract her from her friend's death. Hmm, guess there is a step in the grieving process I didn't know about. We've got Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and now the Top Model Two Step. Who knew?

Renee is sitting off by herself moping while this is going on. She can't understand why the other girls don't like her. Uh, maybe because you're a gigantic bitch?

The next morning, Renee decides to turn over a new leaf and get a fresh start. She says she's going to stop being a bitch. We'll see how long that lasts. She starts off her new life by drawing a picture of Jael. When she gives it to her, she tells Jael not to be offended because she drew her in a straight jacket, after all the arms aren't tied. Now why would anyone find that offensive? Of course, Jael is so sweet, she doesn't find it offensive, and in fact, says that the arms should be tied. She's so cute. I love her. Jael, not Renee.

Later that day, they go to meet a FABULOUS traffic cop. He's not really a traffic cop, though. It's Benny Ninja! Benny is now the Father of the House of Ninja, founded by Willi Ninja, who inspired Madonna's famous Vogue video. Willi passed away last year, so it's great to see that the House of Ninja still lives on.

Benny is there to teach the girls about posing. He demonstrates some vogue poses, then makes the girls compete against each other in a pose-off. He loves Felicia and says she really knows how to pose. I hope that isn't foreshadowing. I like her. I also like Benny. He is so cute and fierce. I didn't know you could be both at the same time, but he manages it.

Tyra Mail! "The best way to commit this crime is to look great while doing it... -- love Tyra."

Whitney asks Felicia to demonstrate a fierce face. Felicia does her best, but they end up going to look for pictures of Tyra doing fierce. In an interview, Whitney goes on and on about how much she loves Felicia. Felicia is so going home, y'all.

The next phase of Renee's attempt at personality makeover involves braiding Brittany's hair. Just last week, she wanted to beat Brittany up. Brittany doesn't care as long as Renee is being nice to her now. Renee tells Brittany that her weave is a rat's nest (not in those exact terms) and that she's going to need a new one. It looked bad when they put it in, and it has not improved with time.