Top Chef Recap: War, What is it Good For?

I have a confession I need to make.

Last week, in my effort to come up with a completely original way to describe the Top Chef contestants, I kind of plagiarized just the teensiest bit. In reference to my coinage of “chefketeers,” it came to my attention that AfterElton.com Associate Editor Brian Juergens had already been using the phrase “designsketeers” in his Top Design recaps. If you must know, it came to my attention from Brian Juergens himself, and he pays me for these recaps with his own personal supply of Club Med drink beads and slightly irregular Bratz dolls. So before Brian can smack me into a million little pieces Oprah-style, I’m hereby retracting “chefketeers.”

Instead, from here on out, they’ll be known as “The Cheffersons.” As in “We’re a-movin’ on up, to the ‘feast’ side.”

Given all the war allusions in this week’s episode, I thought about going with “Cheftenants.” But that would imply they displayed actual leadership skills. Instead, a sit-com reference seems more appropriate for the farcical hijinks that ensue. More on that in a moment.

But first, as each episode does, we get the obligatory eulogy for the recently departed. For the life of me, I can’t remember who that was, but with this show’s track record, it’s pretty safe to guess a woman from New York.

Also obligatory, a heavily bleeped tirade from Howie in which he proudly owns his assholitude. For Howie, the words “ass” and “f*ck” are the spice of language, and just like his cooking, he tends to sprinkle it on liberally without regard to taste. He goes on and on about …

… Holy monster mitts Batman, look at Dale! Has he been working out between episodes? Where did those mega-biceps come from? Carrying all the weight of being the only consistently likable person on this show, no doubt.

He is just getting hotter and hotter by the week. At the start of this week’s ep, he’s wearing a tight red T-shirt that beautifully shows off his arms, but that look is later outdone by a muscle shirt as he plays construction worker, before donning more formal attire in his role of head waiter. It’s like he’s decided to re-form the Village People with himself as all the villagers.