Top Chef Recap: Chef Overboard

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on September 6, 2007

We pick up right where we left off, which was … when, exactly? And remind me, who are these people? Does anyone care anymore? Hung cares. At the start of the episode, he’s in this real “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” kind of funk because the object of his obsession, Tre, is gone. “I’d rather lose to him than anybody else,” he cries, his tough-guy way of saying, “Tre, you complete me.”

Next we cut to our usual chorus of “I’m here to win this” affirmations, as if there’s any other reason anyone would subject themselves to the battery of humiliations, Colicchio-smirks, and Padma-inanities that comes with being on this show. For once, I wish someone would pipe up and say, “Not me. I’m here to see Miami! Can we go to the Parrot Jungle, pleeeese?”

Quickfire Challenge. Padma is wearing some kind of Shirley Temple “Goodship Lollypop” getup that I’m guessing is a preview for the adventures on the high seas to come later.

She introduces this week’s guest judge, Michael Schwartz, of “Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink.” This makes him sound like some sort of flim-flam man peddling a miracle elixir that can grow hair and cure impotence. But in looks and demeanor, he’s more the Seattle grunge rocker type. He’s even got one of those Fred Durst beards that hipsters think look cool even though it makes them look Amish.

Padma says, “Looking good and making the most of what you have is what Miami is all about.” In other words, the city is a 50-50 mix of poseurs and poor people. True enough. “We call this challenge,” she goes on to proclaim, “the Aisle Trial.” Awww, some production intern got to be all creative with naming this week’s challenge. I guess they can do that on the few occasions they’re not shamelessly kissing the asses of their sponsors. You try rhyming words with “Bertolli” and “Kenmore.”

The challenge involves going to the supermarket, where each chef is randomly assigned a specific aisle based on the sacred “drawing of the knives” ritual. Maybe one of them will draw Excalibur and get to be king of all Britannia. That would rule!

They have 10 minutes to shop with a budget of $10. It’s interesting to me how they keep trying to push the glamour of Miami on us but inevitably circle back to Florida’s primary population of retirees, widows, and snowbirds, which both of this episode’s “shopping on a tight budget” challenges reek of. It reminds me of when I’d visit my grandparents and we would spend days driving from one supermarket to another comparing the price of orange juice.