Top Chef Recap: There's No "I Hate You" in Team

Top Chef is back, after taking a week off so that America could properly mourn the sad end of Padma's marriage.

When I first heard that the impossibly sexy host of Top Chef was married to Salman Rushdie, it was one of those bizarre celebrity factoids that's so random it barely registers — like hearing that Michael J. Fox is Canadian or Geena Davis is in Mensa. I'd watch the show and every once in a while think, "Yeah, she's married to somebody vaguely famous and vaguely literary ... maybe that guy who writes those Tuesdays with Morrie books?"

Now I can't help but feel bad for the guy. I mean you're this brilliant, award-winning writer who's been knighted no less and celebrity magazines can barely be bothered to acknowledge you with headlines like: Top Chef's Padma Laksmi to Divorce Writer Husband Who Pissed Off Cat Stevens.

As for the dynamics of that improbable marriage, well, let's just say that I think it's wrong to speculate about people's private lives. I also think it's fun, so here goes ... I can only guess that sleeping with a guy who's enraged and offended entire populations must have been a pretty potent aphrodisiac. It explains what Laura Bush has so much to smile about.

On to this week's show! Opening Credits. I'm fascinated by the opening credits on this show. Someone's clearly posed each chef in what's meant to be a snapshot of their personality. For example, Howie does this awkward Sha Na Na Bowser bicep thing that perfectly illustrates how irritating he is. I particularly can't stop watching Dale's bit, where he holds open his chef jacket and does a few pelvic thrusts. Is the message here that gay people are all flashers or all really good dancers?

The episode opens on several chefs performing morning rituals in the bathroom. It's a pretty strange way for a cooking show to start out. I mean if we're supposed to be spending an hour appreciating the artistry of finely prepared food, I'd just as soon not be reminded of where it all ultimately winds up, you know?

The chefs enter the kitchen for the Quickfire Challenge and see an entire table laden with day-glo cocktails. They're all made with disgustingly sweet ingredients and remind me of that Simpsons episode where Bart drinks a squishee that's entirely syrup and starts having seizures. Padma explains that the challenge is to match one of these ghastly cocktails to an appetizer.