Review of “Kiss Me Deadly”

After Jacob and Marta blow town, we spend a little time with this nameless schmoe at the sex club, which allows us to get more of an eyeful of the guy than any of the Bond girls ever gave up. But of course, Frosty the Hitman tracks down the guy via Jacob’s cell phone, and kills him. Hey, Jake … you might not have wanted to sleep with the guy, but you didn’t necessarily have to deliver him to an untimely death in a gay bathhouse.

En route to the truth, Jacob and Marta unearth some uncomfortable secrets (including a few about their own relationship) and rather stupidly get a few more innocent people killed. It’s kind of funny that these people were supposed to have been super operatives, because they’re certainly not very good at deducing the glaringly obvious solution to their situation.

Still, the story moves along quickly, which in some cases might be enough to carry a tepid thriller over the finish line. But Kiss Me Deadly is simply too lacking in too many other departments to rate.

The action is uneven, and a few of the scenes are so badly shot and edited that they’re downright hilarious (there’s a “car chase” where neither vehicle looks like it’s going over 15 miles per hour and a “car crash” where the vehicle suddenly flips over … off-screen!).

The climactic fist-fight between Jacob and the beefy goon is the most satisfying action of the film, and not just because of the added joy of knowing that these are two strapping gay men wrestling one another to the ground.

The performances are likewise too unremarkable to save the movie from feeling like a Lifetime betrayal drama with a few explosions thrown in. Gant seems invested but just isn’t much fun to watch, and the same goes for Doherty.

The movie is almost completely humorless (at least that is intentional) and the characters don’t have much electricity either alone or with one another. You get the feeling they’d behave the same way at their accountant’s office as they do trying to solve the life-or-death mystery confronting them.

There are a few clever twists and unexpected shocks that keep things from getting too dour, and this might be enough to satisfy some viewers looking for a way to wile away a Sunday afternoon.

If the lead character didn’t happen to be gay, Kiss Me Deadly would be a fairly rote made-for-TV cheapie, and while its unapologetic gay hero might be enough to make it something of a cultural curiosity, it’s not enough to excuse some of the movie’s other shortcomings.

If here! really are planning a series, they’d better seriously amp up the action and excitement, because without the novelty factor, this spy thriller would have very little to offer. Let’s hope Jacob’s next assignment is one more worth coming out of retirement for.

Kiss Me Deadly is currently available on demand at here!'s website.