"Big Brother 11" Finale Recap

Warning, spoilers ahead! Read no further if you don't want to know what happened on last night's finale.

So the Flying Monkeys asked me to do a last-minute recap for the Big Brother finale. It's been a while since I've done one of these, so forgive me if I'm a bit rusty. Okay, so I've had my crash course on Big Brother Season 11. I know we've got a mo in the final three, and he might be poised to be the first gay man in the finale two ever on BB. I tune in and...

DEAR GOD! WHAT IS JULIE CHEN WEARING? It's like...a mini skirt muumuu. It's dark blue and shapeless and has a seam right down the middle of it and couldn't someone have at least ironed it? It looked like she had a wardrobe malfunction at the last second and someone cut a whole in a blue tablecloth and threw it over her head. She's also wearing a lot of glitter on her face. Is that supposed to distract from the fact that she's preggers? And is that also why her hair is disproportionately large?

Julie channels Charlie & the Chocolate Factory's Violet Beauregarde

Anyway. I'm supposed to be recapping the show, not critiquing the Chenbot. So the final three are Kevin, Jordan, and Natalie. Kevin has promised both Natalie and Jordan that he'll take them to the finale, but he really intends to take Jordan, because he thinks Natalie has more friends in the jury house. If only he knew...

Jordan promises Kevin she'll take him to the end, but she's really planning to take Natalie, thinking she has a stronger chance of winning against her. If Natalie sucked up to Jordan any harder she'd inhale a mouthful of blonde hair. While Natalie and Jordan talk in the kitchen, Natalie is doing something really odd with plastic wrap. It's like she's never used it before. I'm completely distracted.