"Brothers & Sisters" Episode 310 Recap: "Just a Sliver"

Justin’s phone rings, and it’s Tommy, who asks how close Nora is to where he’s sitting. Justin’s inspired response is to say, “Two pumpkins and a turkey,” and hilariously try to put a casual spin on it by stretching his arm off to the side like he’s at a movie trying to cop a feel.

Tommy tells him not to react and go to the pantry to talk in private, but these simple instructions prove way too difficult for poor dim Justin, who actually asks Tommy, “And why would I need to go in there?”

Tommy gives up and tells him to just get himself to the hospital, and when Justin says, “The hospital!” it ignites the Maternal Worry Bomb in full force. Nora grabs the phone and demands to know what’s going on. Tommy asks to talk again to Justin, leading Nora to ask Justin if there’s something wrong with him. “I don’t think so,” Justin says, looking totally panicked, like perhaps Tommy took blood and fecal samples while he was sleeping and sent them out for testing. It’s actually a really funny moment. One of the things I really like about this episode is that it manages to be consistently funny even in the midst of some pretty intense family drama, not an easy thing to do.

At the hospital, Tommy explains to Nora, Justin, and Kevin what’s going on with Elizabeth and why they need to test the Walker bros ASAP. I guess that in addition to the goodly Continuity Fairy, her evil sister the Contrivance Fairy has also paid a visit to this episode. Because it just so happens, wouldn’t you know it, that Julia is not a match herself, so it’s now urgent to identify Elizabeth’s bio-dad.

But Nora doesn’t seem to understand that matching organs is a little more involved than matching furniture accessories, wondering why it can’t be anyone with the same blood type and asking all sorts of questions until Tommy finally has to spell out that the most viable match is likely to be Elizabeth’s birthfather. Meaning not him.

Cut to some totally wacked-out hospital ward. Seriously, it’s like a room in the Wonka factory. It’s got kiddie furniture and cutesy holiday decorations and it’s presided over by a Faith Hill look-alike, and for half a second I actually wondered if Justin and Kevin were going to have to provide sperm samples in the children’s ward. But then it became clear that this is some genetic testing facility and all they need to provide is a blood sample.

They sit side by side and talk about whether discovering which of them is Elizabeth’s biological father will bother either of them (they half-heartedly agree it won’t), or bother Tommy (who it just might) …

Kevin: It’s not like he doesn’t know it’s either you or me.
Justin: Yeah, that’s true … I’m pretty sure he wants it to be me though.
Kevin: Wow. Truly delusional.
Justin: Well, let’s face it. I have better hair, and your nose on a girl … tragic.
Kevin: Do you want to talk SAT scores, pretty boy?

This is all kind of ridiculous because I’m sure the entire family has been staring at Elizabeth all her life and having all kinds of discussions about who she takes after, and drinking games over when she “pulls a Kevin” or “does a Justin,” and betting pools over which bro’s sperm won the race. Plus, I’d think it would be fairly easy to figure out which of them is the biological father without even needing to resort to genetic testing. Just put out a photo of David Beckham next to a dish of syringes and see which she gravitates toward. Bingo!