"Caprica" 1.09 Recap: "The One Where All the Hot People Die"

If Caprica selected its episode titles the same way as The Amazing Race — with lines of dialogue spoken by characters/contestants — I'm pretty sure Barnabas wins this round: "Someone is going to die today, little girl. You choose."

Actually, that could be the tagline for this entire show. I mean, yes, Caprica is about two mourning fathers working out their grief on the whole world, but everything these two dudes do is basically just a reaction to Zoe or Tamara or Lacy. Daniel Graystone really ought to hire Rupert Giles as a life coach.

So, Daniel. What a tangled web he weaved when he stole that MCP, eh? Not only is Amanda plotting her suicide while reading the news about the theft and murders, Vergis has gotten the Caprican Defense Department in bed and they've expedited their order of 100,000 Cylons. If Daniel can't deliver them by next week, they're going to yank the contract.

Daniel has no choice but to sell the C-Bucs to get the capital to wipe Zoebot clean of her eccentricities and just mass produce the frak out of some robots. Philo would rather do a "psych profile" of Zoebot and catalog her quirks because: A) They both know the anomalies are what actually make the Cylon work. And B) He's kind of going steady with her.

And by "going steady" I mean Philo and Zoe's avatar are floating around on a mattress in V-world talking nerdy to each other, all, "Oh, your brain — it's so big" and "You know how hot it gets me when you recite transcendental numbers. Do pi to the twentieth decimal place again."

Philo tells Zoe that he's crazy about forever; it doesn't matter what she looks like in the real world. (Spoiler Alert: Lies, Philo! Lies!)

Also stuck in V-world — New Cap City, to be exact — and just huffing the heck out of V-crack is Joseph. He's so caught up in his quest to find Tamara that he missed Willie's Tauron Ink Day, which rightfully pisses Sam off. I'm surprised, at this point, that he and Larry haven't legally adopted Willie and left Joseph twitching on the couch in that holoband.