"Doctor Who" Finale Part 1 Recap: “Turn Left”

Right on cue, we cut to a TV newscaster describing how America is in crisis with millions dead. She goes on to describe how “people’s fat has come to life and is walking the streets.” I wonder if this is happening anywhere near Hollywood. Because I can think of more than one Celebrity Fit Club contestant or Jenny Craig spokesperson who’d be only too happy to see their fat walk off just so long as they got to go down in history as having died thin.

The newscaster continues to describe spaceships circling above American cities, noting that “the fat is flying.” Ha ha ha ha! If only actual TV news reports were this hilarious. Anyway, it looks like our little walk down past-episode memory lane is now continuing with the one about the Adipose. As they watch, Gramps says, “Aliens,” and Donna, now a Mulder, says, “Yeah.”

Inside the night kitchen, Donna and her mum lie side by side and reminisce about the dead. Sylvia has moved past “Nagging” into the “Despair” phase of maternal angst. Donna keeps trying to be optimistic, but Sylvia points out they’re now refugees who for all intents and purposes don’t even exist. Harsh, but pretty accurate.

They start hearing Italian-inflected bellowing from inside. Donna angrily marches in to find Rocco leading a drunken group sing-along. Calling him “Mussolini,” she starts laying into him for all the noise. But then she sees her Gramps among them. Unable to beat ’em, she joins.

We cut to everyone enjoying a rollicking group version of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” although it’s clear that Sylvia, and maybe the actress playing her, has no clue what the lyrics are. But the sound of gunfire cuts the song short before the good “Mamma mia, mamma mia let me go” part.

Oh, so I guess we’re up to the one about the Sontarans. Because outside, we see soldiers combating what they describe as “toxic gas” emitting from ATMOS cars. They’re doing this by firing bullets. At gas. Real geniuses, these soldier boys.

But when they spot Donna, they freak and start screaming at her to turn around and show her back. They’re close to shooting her, but she turns around and they see nothing there.

While Gramps rips the soldiers a few new ones for being so gun happy, Donna sees flashing light off in the distance. She calmly walks toward it. Unsurprised, she sees Rose standing on the street and greets her.

The two women sit on a park bench and debrief. Rose explains that, thanks to the ATMOS devices, most of the world is currently being choked up by gas. Looking up at the sky, she explains that a “little band of fighters” is currently on the Sontaran ship trying to stop it. Then they see an explosion in the sky.

Rose: That was the Torchwood team. Gwen Cooper. Ianto Jones. They gave their lives. And Captain Jack Harkness has been transported to the Sontaran home world. There’s no one left.

Hmmm. This is an interesting development, to say the least. I guess I’d have to say that when it comes to Right-Turn Reality’s stance on all things Gwen Cooper, I’m definitely pro. But I’m definitely con on how it’s handled Ianto. And as far as Jack, it could go either way, depending on what happens to him on Sontaran. If it involves nudity, light bondage, and any of his fellow members of the AfterElton.com Hot 100, I’ll declare myself a Right-Turn Reality advocate.

Rose explains to Donna that the Doctor was supposed to stop all this from happening. She tells Donna that, like herself, she once traveled with the Doctor to different worlds. She wonders if Donna’s dreamed about him, describing him as a “tall, thin man, with great hair … some really great hair.”

Eh. I suppose Tennant’s all right, but nowhere close to Patrick Dempsey, whose hair has so much body and personality it’s only a matter of time before it’s cast in its own spin-off. Called, of course, “Grey Hairs Anatomy."

Rose tells Donna that she was supposed to have been with the Doctor on Christmas to prevent him from drowning when the Thames flooded. This causes Donna to flashback to a bunch of scenes of her and the Doctor from previously in the series. I’m figuring some fervent environmentalist is behind this whole “Turn Left” episode, given how dedicated it is to recycling. Has Al Gore taken up TV production?

Then Rose drops the cheery news that things are only going to get worse. Because, she warns, “the darkness” is coming …

Rose: I've been pulled across from a different universe, because every single universe is in danger. It's coming, Donna. It's coming from across the stars and nothing can stop it.

Donna says this has nothing to do with her, since she’s nothing special. Rose begs to differ, calling her “the most important woman in all of creation.” Which is seriously going to piss off Oprah.

Rose implores Donna to come with her. Donna wryly says, “Blonde hair might work on the men, but you ain’t shifting me lady.” I think she’s mistaken Rose with all those old rumors about Martha Jones.