"Doctor Who" Finale Part 2: “The Stolen Earth”

To recap last week: left turn … right turn … left turn … and BAD WOLF. A.k.a. “The End of the Universe.” D’oh!

Picking up right where we left off, the Doctor and Donna TARDIS over to Earth to do a doom check.

Exiting the phone box on a seemingly quiet street, a relieved if surprised Doctor declares everything is fine. He apparently doesn’t notice, as I immediately do, that they’ve arrived in some freakish alternate reality where milk is delivered in “bottles,” presumably by some sort of a “milk man,” instead of being packed on supermarket shelves in cardboard cartons bearing cartoons of grinning cows the way God intended.

The Doctor calls out and asks the milkman what day it is. The milkman responds, “Why this be Christmas Day, good sir!” Then the Doctor throws him a roast goose and tells him to share it with Tiny Tim. Actually, the milkman says it’s Saturday, and the Doctor is quite happy to hear this. I guess he’s pleased not to have missed this week’s rerun of Saturday Night Live, the one hosted by Ellen Page, who he’s quietly been checking out as a hotter companion-replacement for Donna.

Speaking of … Donna finally figures out that the one who’s been Obi-Wanning her for the entire past episode is actually Rose Tyler, and wonders how that’s possible if she’s in a parallel world. The Doctor explains that that’s exactly what worries him; if she can cross worlds, then the walls of the universe are breaking and everything is in danger. Before you know it, you’ll have characters from spin-offs crossing over into the series that spawned them, and then all-out chaos will erupt.

They go back into the TARDIS, where the Doctor pokes around trying to get a read on what’s going on. Donna asks if, despite all the alarming indicators, the fact that Rose is back is actually a good thing? And the Doctor grins and agrees it is. Because the possibility of imminent apocalypse means nothing if he can get in just one more longing glance at blondie.

Then everything gets all shook up. They run to the door to investigate, and open it to find themselves floating in outer space. Donna says, “What did you do?” like she’s talking to a naughty toddler holding a pack of matches with the distinct smell of burned Barbie hair off in the distance.

The Doctor explains that they haven’t actually gone anywhere. And it’s too bad the two of them weren’t having sex right before this. Then one of them could have said, “Wow, did the Earth just move?” and it would have been extra hilarious. Because the Earth actually did just move. Or as the Doctor says, “The entire planet … it’s gone!”

Far across the universe. We see Martha Jones all done up in UNIT military drag, lying on the ground and opening her eyes. She’s in the UNIT: New York HQ, where there’s been some kind of earthquake and some major damage.

She starts giving orders and people run around doing what she says, so I’m guessing she’s been promoted to some kind of position where people are required to kiss her ass. Good for her. This one UNIT peon, Suzanne, is staring out the window with eyes wide, like she’s just seen Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt skipping along the sidewalk holding hands. She tells Martha to come look at the sky.

We cut to Cardiff. The Torchwood Hub. The music even gets all Torchwoody. Woo-hoo! Look, there’s Jack. Yay! And Ianto. Yay! And Gwen. Boo! Actually, I’m so happy to have them back, I don’t even recoil when I see Gwen.

Either the three of them have had quite the memorable office party the night before (naked hide and seek, perhaps?), or the same disturbance as at UNIT NYC hit here. Because the three of them are also lying on the ground surrounded by wreckage.