"Doctor Who" Finale Part 2: “The Stolen Earth”

Back inside the TARDIS, Donna is seriously freaking out, wondering how the Earth will survive without the sun, and if her family’s dead. The Doctor doesn’t have any answers, only that some “fearsome technology” is behind this. He announces that they’re going to go get help. From the famed “Shadow Proclamation.”

We cut to several TV shows featuring real celebrities talking about what’s going on. These include Richard Dawkins, a famous science guy for those of you who don’t know, who says it’s clear the Earth has been moved. Then Paul O’Grady, a talkshow/comedian makes a crack about what he must have drank the night before. I gather he’s well known in the UK, but I can’t tell if he’s a Jon Stewart or a Jay Leno or a Maury Povich.

Either way, he totally cracks up Ianto, who we see watching TV in the Hub. Jack snaps at him for the laughter, telling him, “There’s a time and a place.” And the time for naked pterodactyl hunting is now, and the place is in my own overactive fantasy life.

Meanwhile, we hear Gwen on the phone with Rhys reassuring him how much she loves him, a conversation that, given all the other excitement this episode, feels like it goes on for about 12 hours. It’s like Russell Davies is saying he knows that the whole Gwen-Jack thing got out of control over at Torchwood while he wasn’t paying close attention, and now he wants to make up for it by reassuring everybody she’s fully committed to Rhys.

Jack calls them over, and they look at the computer showing the planets grouped by Earth. Jack says that there’s an atmospheric shell around Earth which indicates whoever did this wants humanity kept alive for now. Then they see a flashing red light in the middle of the planets.

Meanwhile, Sarah Jane sees the same images on Mr. Smith’s screen, and wonders if the non-planet thing in the middle is some sort of space station. Then Mr. Smith says, “Sarah Jane,” because he’s one of those HAL-inspired sci-fi computers who has to preface everything with the person’s name, all, “Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” And then he announces he’s detected other movement. Luke gets all excited that it’s a bunch of spaceships.

UNIT NYC HQ. The bigwig UNIT general is bossing people around and, seeing Martha on the phone, makes this obnoxious, “If you’re not too busy” crack in her direction. I hate this guy. So it gives me great pleasure when she then gets to make him feel like total slime by pointing out that she was trying to reach the Doctor. Ha!

Unfortunately, Martha’s not getting through. Rather than doing what we all do and blame her lousy cell phone service, she assumes the planet-snatchers must be blocking the signal. Hmm, maybe. But I still wouldn’t put it past AT&T to somehow be responsible.

Out on the street, people are doing what mankind does best in crisis situations and totally losing their sh*t. Everyone’s spending what might be their last possible moments alive breaking as many commandments as possible. Rose bumps into a drunk guy who talks about the end of the world. Then she stops two hoodlums from robbing an electronics store, even though I’d think she’s got more pressing concerns at the moment.