"Doctor Who" Finale Part 2: “The Stolen Earth”

Harriet does something techie and gets all of their faces to appear on the same screen, a la The Brady Bunch. But Rose, who I’m sure would love to be the Ann B. Davis at the very center, is dismayed that she’s not included. In fact, while she can see them, she can’t contact any of them herself because there’s no webcam on her end. She asks Gramps why not, and he says Sylvia wouldn’t allow it since it’s “naughty.” If I imagine what naughty things a guy like him might be doing with a webcam, I think I’d never surf the net again.

Everyone else, though, is happily chatting together. Jack is particularly relieved to see Martha show up on the screen, alive and well. She explains that Indigo must have read her mind and teleported her to the one place she wanted to be: home with her mother. Oh, barf. Next time she might try just clicking her ruby shoes together.

But this sequence quickly becomes fairly hilarious as we proceed to get the meeting of the various companions. At times, it seems like the massive companion catfight I’ve long been hoping for might erupt. Rose particularly seems miffed about Martha’s presence, saying things like, “Who’s she?” and “Oi, I was here first.”

Harriet introduces Sarah Jane to Torchwood, and there’s this great insider joke here about the different audiences their various spin-offs cater to. After Jack compliments her work with the Slitheen, Sarah Jane, gesturing at young Luke, says she’s had to stay away from Torchwood — “too many guns.” This hardly bothers Jack, who turns on the omnisexual charm and tells her she’s looking good, and she gushes.

Introductions over, Harriet explains they’re on a special subwave network — out of Dalek hearing — that she developed to reach everyone who might be able to contact the Doctor in an emergency.

Sarah Jane delicately reminds Harriet that the Doctor deposed her (after she defied him and shot down a Sycorax ship). Harriet defends her prior actions by saying she always feared there’d be a day the Doctor would not be there to defend Earth. A day much like today. In other words, she’s allowing herself to enjoy a good old “nah, nah, told ya so” moment before letting bygones be bygones.

Martha points out that the Doctor has her phone but isn’t answering. He’s totally screening calls! And, as Margaret Cho shared in one of her standup acts, according to her mother, this would mean the Doctor must be gay, since “only gays screen calls.” Which, if you think about it, is so true.

Harriet thinks they can use the subwave network to combine forces and get a stronger signal through to the Doctor. They quickly improvise a plan, using Mr. Smith to link every telephone on Earth and have them simultaneously call the Doctor, routing the combined signal through Torchwood via the Rift out to the TARDIS. 

Ianto introduces himself and brings up the minor problem that this will make the network visible to the Daleks. Harriet says they’ll trace the signal to her, and she’s willing to give her life to save the Earth.

We see them all working together to put this plan into action. Finally, Jack flips a switch, and we see cartoon-y rings that look just like when Aquaman talks to fish leaving the Hub, traveling up through the Millennium Plaza, and out into space.

On her own, Rose tries to call the Doctor on her mobile, quietly saying to herself, “Find me Doctor.” Especially before that cow Martha gets her claws into him.

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor’s phone rings. He picks it up. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s someone asking him to donate to PBS. Because it’s going to take a lot more than a Dalek invasion to stop the fiendish cabal of telemarketers determined to drive all of humanity insane.

The Doctor thinks it will be Martha herself, but then realizes he’s getting some sort of signal and sends the TARDIS off in that direction.