Doctor Who Finale Part 3 Recap: “Journey’s End”

Where were we? Oh, right. “Hey Rose, long time no see.” “What’s up, Doc?” BLAMMO. “Look at me everybody! I’m regenerating.

And we pick up right were we left off … Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is seriously glowing, like a twink beach bunny who’s been hitting the tanning bed a bit too heavily. In other words, he’s a dead ringer for Project Runway’s Blayne, who, fittingly, I hate with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

The Doctor reaches toward the aquarium holding his pet hand, which I’m starting to think he’s been overfeeding given how bloated it’s looking. Any day now and it’s going to be floating at the top of the tank, and then he’ll have to flush it away and risk clogging the TARDIS’s one working toilet.

As he reaches out — no doubt humming to himself “I Wanna Hold My Hand” — bright light flows from him and out to the hand aquarium and sets it a gurgling. And then, just like that, the Doctor is fine and back to his old self.

Except he takes one look at Donna, snaps his fingers, and calls her a hot tranny mess. (Not really. I just have Project Runway on the mind. Probably because I’ve already mentally checked out of this show and moved onto one that manages to feature even more freakish aliens dressed in otherworldly clothes).

The Doctor: Now then, where were we?

Donna, Rose, and Jack stare at him utterly stunned by his anti-climactic non-regeneration, looking about as gobsmacked as I feel. What a regeneration tease that Russell Davies has turned out to be! No new Doctor after all? Quick, somebody call Hasselhoff’s agent and tell him he doesn’t need to lose his gut after all.

Cut to Hastily Resolved Cliffhanger Number Two — Sarah Jane about to be Daleked to death on the open road. But just before they can zap her, a heavily armed man and woman appear from nowhere and zap the zappers. It’s Mickey and Rose’s mum, Jackie. Gee, I wonder which other minor characters are going to show up for cameos and/or to deus ex machina other characters’ asses out of danger. Queen Victoria?

Sarah Jane recognizes Mickey, who tells her that the Smiths have to stick together. Unlike the multitude of Joneses who we all know can’t stand each other.

Hastily Resolved Cliffhanger Number Three — the Torchwood Hub. Gwen and Ianto are going all John Woo with guns ablazing at that poor lone Dalek, who prepares to fire back. And then the flying bullets and the Dalek seem to freeze.