“Game of Thrones” Recap 105: The Invention of Manscaping!

As I was watching this, the fifth of ten episodes of this show, it occurred to me what Game of Thrones’ problem is: it always seems like it’s building up to something that never quite comes. It’s a little like a soap opera or a newspaper serial in that sense, where the point isn’t really to ever resolve anything, just to get you to keep watching.

I think that once you accept that the plot isn’t really the point of this thing, that it’s basically just all about the intrigue and atmosphere, it’s a lot easier to enjoy.

As for this episode, “The Wolf and the Lion,” it opens with King Robert and his new hand Boromir already sniping at each other, which is a pretty good indication of where this episode is going – and also not a bad dramatization of the first 24 hours with my freshman college roommate (a fundamentalist Christian, natch).

Okay, we cut to the jousting tournament that the kingdom can't afford, and this is really complicated, so bear with me.

The Knight of the Flowers, Loras Tyrell, is up against a knight called The Mountain. Loras gives his trademark flower to Sansa, who becomes smitten with him, even as he’s winking at Renly (the king’s brother), who is his secret gay lover. Petry Littlefinger then bets Renly that The Mountain will win, a bet Renly takes.

Sure enough, Loras wins the match, and Renly wins the bet, prompting Petry to cheekily "out" him to the whole crowd saying, “When will you have your friend?”

But (and I’m not sure this was clear in the TV show) Loras sort of cheated, using a mare in heat, which caused The Mountain’s horse to act up. So The Mountain attacks Loras in front of the audience – which causes The Mountain’s brother, Sandor, to intervene (Sandor, if you’ll recall from a couple of episodes ago, had his face grotesquely burned by his brother as a child).

Does all this make sense? You know, I’m seriously starting to think that faithfully adapting complicated books for TV shows like this just doesn’t work.

What would Joan Rivers say about that comb-over?

But it is nice to see the gay characters front-and-center at last.

If you’ll recall from the last episode, Cat is taking Tyrion to the Vale, where her sister rules, so that he can be tried for what Cat thinks is his attempted murder of her son Bran. But along the way, they’re attacked by hill bandits. They bond over bashing the brains out of one of the bandits – which, coincidentally, is also how I bonded with my college roommate.

Up at Winterfell, we have the show's first scene of full-frontal male nudity: Theon Greyjoy (Ned Stark’s ward, remember? Kidnapped from a neighboring kingdom as a child?) has snuck a prostitute into the castle.

And he’s surprisingly cut (in more ways than one!). But, um, he's literally just had sex: would he really be quite that flaccid? (I know I shouldn't be thinking about such things, but hey: they're the ones showing the full frontal nudity. Aren't we supposed to think about it?)

I've always wondered: what's it like for an actor when he appears naked in something like this? Does he invite all his friends over to see the episode? Does he change the channel when this scene comes up (even though it's, like, one of only two scenes of his in the whole episode). Or does he just say, "Hey, look, there's my wang!" And what's the protocal for the guests? "Great wang there, Alfie!"

Back at King’s Landing, we have lots of intrigue, with most of it centering around Varys, the eunuch who looks a lot like Donald Pleasence.

First, he confides in Boromir: “There are things you must know. The king is doomed unless you save him.” But the more relevant point is that the previous Hand was poisoned by nefarious forces because “he started asking questions.”

So let’s ponder this for a second. Exactly what advice is Donald Pleasence giving him? Boromir needs to save the king, but he doesn’t know from what, and he can’t ask any questions, or he’ll be killed too.

Thanks, Donald Pleasence! Let’s face it: Caine got clearer advice from Master Po on the old 1970s show Kung Fu (for you young'ns, his advice never made sense until the end of the episode).

"Life is like the dripping candle: waxy and cheaply purchased at Pier One Imports."

In a meeting with King Robert, Boromir proves to be something of a drama queen, resigning and throwing his Star Trek insignia in Robert’s face rather than help him formulate a plot to kill a rival king and queen who have a horde of 40,000 soldiers and want to totally take over the throne.

The nerve of King Robert!

Did Boromir learn nothing from Donald Pleasence’s contradictory advice?! Anyway, I think we can safely assume that Boromir would’ve opposed the assassination of Osama Bin Laden as well.

Next Page! Breastfeeding in public? Clearly, this woman is insane!