"Real World: D.C." Recap: "Breaking the Ice"

This week's episode starts out with Ashley on the phone dishing to her BFF about her roommates. Andrew is the one who “breaks the ice.” (Sure, if “breaking the ice” means making inappropriate comments that lead to uncomfortable laughter and perplexed looks.) Ashley rattles off the list of roommates, making generally positive yet slightly judgmental comments about each of them.

And then she comes to Mike. See, Mike is — whisper — “bisexual.” Her friend reacts with a surprised “Oh, OK.” “But he has green eyes, tan skin, and an athletic build,” says Ashley, who clearly wants him.

Meanwhile, Andrew tries to woo Callie by showing her offensive cartoons. You know, the ones that were “offensive to women and lesbians and stuff” and got him fired from the student paper. Someone send this kid to charm school!

About Callie, Andrew says, “She turns me on.” Last episode it was Emily who turned him on. I think that at this point Andrew is so hard up that a Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup bottle would turn him on. Andrew then launches into a bizarre soliloquy that includes the following line: “She’s my whale, and I’m Moby Dick. Wait was Moby Dick the whale? I’m Captain Ahab, and she’s my dick.”

In the vein of the ancient tradition of warriors swapping blood and becoming blood brothers, in The Real World, once you reveal a dark secret from your past to a complete stranger (the “Overshare Ceremony”), you and the stranger are friends for life — or until that person takes the person you’re crushing on into the hot tub, in which case the Overshare Ceremony becomes void. Cut to an Overshare Ceremony between Emily and Ashley, the grand arbiter of who is acceptable. After Emily reveals that she grew up in an ultra-conservative cult, and that is the reason why she does not believe in God, Ashley anoints her as acceptable.

[Pause for an interlude. A bird flits off of a stream. A canoeist paddles under a bridge. Contemplative music plays in the background. All is serene.]

So, to recap, Callie and Emily are now acceptable, Ty is unacceptable, and Mike is — whisper — “bisexual” but totally hot and therefore his hotness makes him acceptable.

Erica, Ashley and Mike walk down the street. Ashley feels Mike’s biceps, which she also finds acceptable. “Any time you want to sleep with me, you let me know,” she says. In Jersey Shore speak, Ashley and Mike are clearly vibin’, and she would like to pound him out, or something like that.

Ty asks Emily about her recent hookups, and she replies that picked up a girl at Starbucks, who, after two weeks, said she loved her. “Awww!” says Ty. Emily looks horrified. So not “Awww?” Oh, more like “Ew.” Ty corrects himself. “Ew!” he says.

The cast goes to a club. Emily and Ty are definitely vibin’. Emily slinks up on Ty. Meanwhile, Andrew is bopping around wearing blue plastic flip up glasses, and he has a Twizzler hanging out of his mouth, which should be a big hit with the ladies.