Last Night's "Southland": It's No Fun Doing It Alone

Knowing that this week’s episode, "U-Boat," was the one where Officer Rookieboy goes on his first solo shift, I had mixed feelings ...

On the one hand, I was excited about it, because Benjamin McKenzie had said on talk shows that the whole time he was driving around he was doing it pants-less, and I was hoping if I paused the TiVo at just the right moment, I’d catch a glimpse of his stick shift.

On the other hand, show creator Ann Biderman said she wanted to give Rookieboy the “day from hell,” which didn’t exactly sound cheery.

And in fact, the result is a prime example of what I call Schadenfreude TV (and if you don’t know what Schadenfreude is, go listen to Avenue Q right now). That’s where you’re watching something and the people have such utterly miserable existences that you actually feel better about yourself. Like when the doctors on Grey’s Anatomy lose a patient. Or Elizabeth Hasselbeck tries to talk about politics intelligently.

We open on Officer Rookieboy, running up to this house where, inside, we catch a glimpse of what appears to be a brutal attack in progress. Rookieboy desperately grabs a piece of patio furniture and flings it through the window.

Foreboding Announcer Guy: “Officer Rookieboy is about to learn that you can’t always save everyone.”

Gulp.

Flashback to earlier. We’re at one of those Morning Cop Briefings, and Chickee is upset!

You might remember that Chickee is that blonde cop who was partnered with Dewey, played by the suddenly studly C. Thomas Howell. I’ll say this for Dewey, he may have been a drunken menace to himself, his co-workers, and pedestrians, but at least he seemed like fun, unlike the rest of the gloomy guses moping around this show.

Anyway, Chickee thinks the entire force hates her for turning Dewey in, which is why they keep giving her lousy assignments. I might be hard of hearing, or just not up on cop lingo, but I could swear they said she had to work in the “Kid Room,” and I thought, “Awww, they have a daycare center at the precinct. That’s so sweet! I wonder if she’ll let the kiddies play with her gun.”

Chickee gripes to Cuddlybear that this is all his fault, since he’s the one who told her to rat on Dewey in the first place. His response is to agree to partner up with her for the day, which leaves Rookieboy all by his lonesome.

Cuddlybear tosses Rookieboy the patrol car keys and tells him he’s ready for this. Then he gives him the exact same advice he also gives all his Gayboy mentees before he sends them out for a night at the bars: “Stay safe. And keep your eye on their hands at all times.”

Rookieboy, for his part, is thrilled with the newfound freedom. Grinning, he says, “Thanks Dad!” acknowledging the paternal nature of their working relationship. And putting a complete buzzkill on all the fantasies I have about the two of them hooking up which typically run through my head while I’m watching this show. Booo!