"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.01 Recap: "The Red Serpent"

For months now, gladiator-philes have been salivating over previews of the new show from the Starz network: Spartacus: Blood and Sand and Xena, er, just Blood and Sand, a series that stars Lucy Lawless of Xena fame. S:B&S claims to push the envelope when it comes to nudity and violence on the small screen and, boy, does it. In fact, I’d say it doesn’t just push the envelope, but tears it into bloody, sexy pieces. But more on that in a minute.

S:B&S tells the heart-rending story of a soldier whom fate – not to mention a stuffy, smug Roman general who likes himself way too much – forces to fight for his life in the gladiator arena. No, I'm not talking about Gladiator with Russell Crowe!In this story, the soldier wants to find his wife who’s been abducted and sold into slavery by the very same smug, stuffy Roman while in Gladiator Russell Crowe was after an Oscar which he got!

But S:B&S sounds like quite a show, yes? Of course, we know what we really want to see – besides all the promised nudity, of course. We want to see Xena!

The first episode opens with the mostly-naked Spartacus, played by the insanely handsome Andy Whitfield, chained up in a cell while the brutal sounds of what can only be a gladiator arena come from just over his head. Spartacus does not look happy. Frankly, he looks convincingly freaked out … but then, wouldn’t you knowing thousands were waiting to watch you get chopped up into kibbles and bits?

We then see the gladiator fight happening just above Spartacus' head, and the slow-motion fight moves, heavy metal soundtrack, and CGI blood are our signifiers: we are firmly in 300 territory — hopefully without the homophobia.

We suddenly flash back to our hero in his native village. A group of loin-clothed Thracian villagers are being informed by Haldir from Lord of the Rings Darken Rahl from Legend of the Seeker a Roman general named Glaber that they’re about to be attacked by a pack of marauding barbarians, but if they ally with the Romans and fight with them, they’ll win and get to kill them all. Booyah.

So far, so good. But still no Xena.

Spartacus, who at this point isn’t called Spartacus (but we never learn his real Thracian name; I’m thinking Six Packius is a good bet), goes home to tell his wife, Sura, that he’s got to march out to war because he gave his word without checking with her first. Even 2000 years ago, husbands would do just about anything to get out of dinner with their inlaws.

But instead of getting all cranky, she kisses him and this leads to their having good-bye sex and our first look at Andy Whitfield's Spartacus' derriere. Booyah!

We know Sura’s wise and ahead of her time, because even though it’s 100 B.C. she has perfect ‘80s bangs and an understanding of the subtleties of eye make-up and the importance of bee stung lips. Also, she must have prophesied how people talk in the future, because she keeps slipping in and out of an American accent.

The next morning, Sura sees him off, and I was so expecting her to say “Come back with your shield or on it,” but thankfully the writers restrained themselves.She does, however, tell him that she had a dream where he was bowing in front of a red serpent, and it gave her the serious heebie-jeebies. 

He assures her it was either the sushi she ate or the play by Euripedes they watched the night before with all the creepy-looking masks. Somehow this convinces her to ignore the vision (which we totally know was accurate) and as he’s leaving, she tells him, “Kill them all. And pick up some goat cheese on the way home.”