"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.02 Recap: "Sacramentum Gladiatorum"

After an awesome pilot episode last week, Spartacus: Blood and Sand is back to the deliver the goods. This show made big promises to push all boundaries of sex and violence. Last week, with blood-spurting galore, it proved true to its word about the violence. But will it prove equally as true about the nudity?

Judge for yourself. 

Sorry, but we're a PG-13 site so we can't show you the full Monty, er, the full Caesar. Sign up for Starz to see that.

The episode opens with Spartacus lying on a slab in some grungy-looking prison, when who hops on top of him but his wife, Sura, who was abducted last episode by Darken Rahl Haldir Glaber. No sooner do they exchange a few pleasantries than she mounts him like a horse, then her head explodes into a fountain of blood.

What, you've never had dreams like that? 

You'd rather see the fountain of blood? Yeah, didn't think so. 

Observing this is Batiatus, Spartacus’ brand-spankin’ new owner. Afterwards, Batty orders up a haircut for our hero (as well as a mani-pedi). The hair turns out great and I'm totally thinking "Hot Gladiator Make Over" should be challenge on the upcoming season of Bravo's Shear Genius. No need to thank me for the idea, Starz!

Batty goes to check up on his wife, Lucretia Lawless, who is all fretty about the drought, money, their place in society and her upcoming nude scene which we know Lucy Lawless really wasn't thrilled about.

Apparently worrying about droughts and moola is the kind of talk that gets these two in the mood for some hanky-panky, but they’re way too important and busy to worry about foreplay themselves. So they do what any busy power couple does — they call in their "fluffers!"

So as Batty and Lucretia Lawless discuss social strategies, their slaves strip them and sexually service them in order to get them in the mood before they go at it. Not only is it kinky, but I'm sensing a business opportunity for a real go-getter.

Being such busy people, they continue planning their next swag party as they fornicate against the wall, and if anyone’s curious about what Lucy Lawless looks like naked, well, you’ll no longer have to use your imagination. And for anyone who’s curious about what the guy from the Mummy looks like naked  … no? No one? Okay, moving on.