"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.03 Recap: "Legends"

Who's ready for some more hot gladiator-on-gladiator action? In that case, slip on your loincloth, grab your fascina, put on your galea and let's go!

What? I'm the only one dressing up for these recaps? Awk-ward...

This episode starts with Spartacus preparing for his training by strapping on a bunch of armor, although it all seems pretty negligible, since the most vulnerable area of his body is only protected by a low-rise, European-cut loincloth.

Hmm, maybe there is a gladiator code that keeps them from kicking each other in their Calvin Kleinus briefs.

Spartacus heads out to the ludus where he proceeds to wail on some poor red shirt, as do most of the other leads. Our nasty trainer Pit Guy is giving them a pep talk along the way as to how to slice, dice and puree your opponent.

Naturally, this means we cut to a slow-mo training montage, as a bunch of sweaty, half-naked men kick the crap out of each other. At this point we realize that the ludus is basically Sean Cody with swords but without sex. At least until next week...

Spartacus and his buddy Varro, aka Blond Favreau (you'll recall he looks like Jon Favreau but blond and hot) fight, and Spartacus wipes the floor with him. Pit Guy informs them that they're all going to fight in the upcoming Vulcanalia, sort of a Wrestlemania deal, where the uber-muscley and oft-naked Crixus will fight an as-yet unnamed opponent in the Primus (the main event.)

While the gladiators go at it (minds out of the gutter, people! They’re fighting!), the owners of the ludus, namely Batty and Lucretia Lawless, once again talk about how the economy totally sucks and they have no money. I half expect President Obama to burst in to discuss stimulus packages with them.

I’m sorry, but is anyone else already extremely annoyed with this? I thought this show was supposed to be about escapism! Instead, it just makes me want to open that Visa bill on my dresser even less.

Lucretia mentions Ilithyia, also known as Paris Hilton BC, and how she’ll be visiting soon. Now that she’s seen the gladiators in heat action, she can’t get enough, and Lucretia plans to exploit that relationship for all it’s worth. Mind games, Xena? Whatever happened to an old-fashioned chakram to the head?

Over in the ludus' cafeteria, as Spartacus and Blond Favreau do their best to avoid splinters in their bare thighs, we catch a quick glimpse of that Barracuda dude looking mighty chummy with a smooth young Twink Slave. Barracuda might be a badass in the arena, but right now he's nuzzling a little bird to his cheek. And I don't mean as an appetizer.