"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.04 Recap: "The Thing in the Pit"

I was starving when I sat down to do this week's recap, so I ordered a pizza just as I started. So please ignore any sounds of chewing or globs of sticky cheese.

We begin with Spartacus getting thrown down by a bunch of Batty’s men. Batty, who is none too pleased with Spartacus’ loss against Crixus in the last epoisode, steps right on Spartacus’ little gladiator as he scolds him for his poor performance. And here I thought quarterly performance evaluations were bad.

Spartacus begs for a second chance, and Batty tells him the only way for him to earn back his keep is to fight in “the pits.” I'm thinking "does he mean cherry pits?" Sure, fighting in a bunch of wet, slimy cherry pits wouldn't be much fun, but we've seen a lot worse on reality television, and given the whole "feeding Christians to the lions" thing, this doesn't seem that bad.

Barracuda and that sleazy Ashur guy prepare Spartacus by rubbing dirt on him, which totally makes sense. Right? No? Well, it was ancient Rome; they did weird stuff back then. Like fighting in piles of cherry pits.

Ooops, pizza's here. Hold on a second. Mmm, looks delicious. Okay, back to the recap!

So, Lucretia Lawless is doing her best Liz Taylor in Cleopatra impression as she lounges in her house first being fanned by one slave, then demanding perfume from Old Navy, her slave in waiting. Batty tells her that he’s going into the pits, but not to worry – Barracuda will be there to protect him.

Cut to one of the heavy-metal slow-mo fight training scenes we’ve come to know and love, and dirty ol’ Spartacus walks out to chat about the impending fight with a crazy bald gladiator who has “Fugitivus” tattooed on his forehead.

Pardon me, while a grab a quick bite! This pizza just smells too good to resist!

This scene segues into the first match in the pits, where Fugitivus is getting his ass handed to him against some psychopathic fighter who cuts the face off of his opponents and wears them as masks. And we're back to the weird, vicious stuff the Romans liked.

Leatherface beats him, of course, so cue the Queen of Hearts “Off with his face!” chant. And off it goes. Seriously. It makes the movie Face/Off look like a Disney cartoon.

And suddenly pizza covered with tomato sauce doesn't look so appealing.

It's bad enough that Batty has to watch one of his guys get sliced and diced, but then who should be hanging out in the pits than none other but that guy he owes money to … I think his name is Loansharkius? And how awful is that hair cut of his? The loanshark business must not be going so well.

Turns out he wants the money he's owed paid back right now (to get a new wig, maybe?), but Batty tells him he’ll get it in time, and Barracuda does some flexing, so Loansharkius backs off.

Back at Batty's digs, Crixus is still trying to mack on Old Navy, who seems like she’s into him, but is way too freaked about pissing off Lucretia Lawless, so she returns the necklace he gave her last episode. What, no one’s paying attention to the plot? Come on, people, I know there’s naked men everywhere, but try to keep up!