"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.05 Recap: "Shadow Games"

We open with the gladiators going through their fighting drills when Crixus suddenly goes nuts on Spartacus, beating him down like Rush Limbaugh going after liberals and health care, and I'm suddenly wondering if Romans used steroids. It would actually explain a lot. 

It also occurs to me that I have yet to give Crixus a nickname. Given how much time he's going to spend naked and oiled up this episode (and hopefully the rest of the series), I'm thinking ... Crisco!

Once Crisco is calmed down, Pit Guy gives the gladiators a pep talk about the upcoming Games of the Magistrate - like the sectionals on Glee, only with killing. Well, more killing. And without music, although that would be interesting. I can totally see Andy Whitfield singing Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" as Spartacus battles ten enraged gladiators.

Without warning, a shlubby looking gladiator passes out, and sweet little Twink Slave goes to give him water, but Pit Guy's all, "Uh-uh, bitch. Save the water for a real man." This makes him the Sue Sylvester of Ancient Rome. But not as tough.

Elsewhere in the ludus, a heat-addled Batty is praying for rain by swearing at Jupiter's genitals when Lucretia Lawless comes in and tells him the Magistrate (or as we like to call him, The Madge) is coming for a visit to pick out gladiators for the upcoming games. And these aren't just any games. These games are meant to appease the Gods and end the drought. Thankfully, we're much more civilized these days and instead just sacrifice the planet for own material wants. But I digress. 

Lucretia wants Batty to tell the Madge about the attempt on his life in the pits during the last episode, but he doesn't want nobody else in his biz-nass. In fact, he has Barracuda and Ashur out collecting info on the streets even as they speak.

We cut to the goons in question as they question some hoodlum by showing him a piece of the would-be killer's body, maggots and all. We know the hoodlum is pathetic and weak and will spill the beans because he's really, really ugly. Pretty people are only villains when they play the big role opposite the hero who is always slightly prettier than the main bad guy.

The ugly guy knows something, but only fesses up after Barracuda shoves his mouth into the maggots. See, I learned my listen last week well. Never, ever eat while watching Spartacus. And you thought the show could only be disgusting with graphic violence!  

Back at the ludus, the Madge arrives with Batty's rival, So-lame-ius. They talk about how the drought is driving everyone crazy, and then go to check out the man-meat in the ludus.

The Madge is there to choose for the Primus. Remember, that's the Main Event. Come on, guys, stop ogling the goods and pay attention!

Batty is all excited (in lots of ways) until he realizes one of the fighters for the Primus has already been chosen and is from So-lame-ius's camp. Batty insists that the Madge choose Crisco, but then freaks when he finds out that So-Lame-ius's man is none other than Theocles, a legendary, undefeated killer.

Think Vocal Adrenaline from Glee. But much uglier and unable to carry a tune.

Batty says it's not a fair fight, so So-lame-ius suggests that Spartacus join Crisco in the fight against Theocles. Batty reluctantly agrees. Aw, so Spartacus and Crisco have to work as a team! Crisco is not happy. Hmm. Awk-ward.

In the cafeteria, Blond Favreau teases Spartacus about how he and Crisco will make a fine couple. (I'm going to go ahead and give them their celebrity couple name now: Spartacrix.) Spartacus is a little tense, but realizes he'll get a lot of cash if he wins. And then— Hey, are you listening to me or you already writing slash for Spartacrix? Sigh...