"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.06 Recap: "Delicate Things"

We start with Batty pumping up his gladiators with a nice I'm-so-awesome speech, and then introduces Spartacus as the "new Champion of Capua." Ooh, boy. Lucretia Lawless does not look happy. Batty is talking up Spartacus something fierce, and the gladiators are getting into it, especially Blond Favreau. Aw, he loves him. Like Twink Slave and Barracuda? Nope, just broski love. I think. Right? Sorry, shippers.

We also see shots of Barca and of Pietros, not once but twice. Why do I mention that? Oh, no reason...

Meanwhile, Crisco is down in the infirmary trying to keep his intestines on the inside. Gross. It doesn't even look like they washed him down, and the medicus tending him could be a homeless guy off the streets of New York. Apparently the ranking for health care must go something like this: Canada, Europe, America, Albania, Middle Ages, Ancient Roman gladiators.

Batty has Spartacus join him for a drink, and Lucretia is getting really pissy. She's all, "He didn't fight Theocles alone. He had help from Crisco, you know, that gladiator that I'm totally not bangin' behind your back. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I said I wasn't bangin' him."

Batty tells Spartacus his defeat against Theocles is just the beginning, but Spartacus only wants to talk about finding his wife. Man, talk about party foul. Batty tells him that he's found Sura, and one of his men is riding towards the villa with her even as they speak, about two days away. Oh, good, so Spartacus will be reunited with her and the series will be over.

That's totally what's going to happen, right?

Batty dismisses the new Champion of Capua, and Lucretia gets all up in his biz-nass about doing things without telling her, like killing Loansharkius and his family. Keep in mind, she's not mad that he slaughtered a house full of people — just that he did it without telling her. Again, that's why we love Lucretia. 'Cause she's a real lady.

Pit Guy takes Spartacus to his new cell, which he gets to have all to himself and has an actual bed. Woot! The two guys go on and on about how awesome the other is — oh, just make out already — and then Pit Guy tells Spartacus that Sura's going to be a slave in the house to Lucretia Lawless. Spartacus is not happy with this arrangement.

Elsewhere, Barracuda finds Ashur and reminds him about how he bet on Crisco and Spartacus against Theocles, and now Ashur owes him a ton of dough. Ashur tries to weasle his way out, so Barracuda gives his junk a good squeeze (and not in the way he does with Twink Slave) to remind him what happens to guys who don't pay their debts.