"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.07 Recap: "Great and Unfortunate Things"

Oh, boy. Okay, you guys, this is going to be a tough one. I can just see the comments now. Breathe, Tim, breathe.

So after last weeks' pretty devastating events, what's the only sensitive way to begin this week's ep? With a pretty explicit sex scene, of course, as Spartacus and Sura, clearly in flashback, go at it like Roman bunnies.

By the way, have I mentioned I actually prefer the long-haired SpartaJesus look to the more aerodynamic gladiator version? It's just a matter of taste. Don't judge me!

Turns out we're flashing WAY back, because Sparty doesn't even know Sura's name yet, but she knows him by reputation. Turns out he was kind of a playa back in the day. She tells him the Gods brought her to him, so that she may give him crazy nookie and set him upon the right path.

Flashforward - wait, are we watching Lost? - and Spartacus burns her body on a funeral pyre as his fellow gladiators look on. Aw, sad. At least she's getting a better send off to the after life than poor Barca. Who knows where his skewered body wound up at. 

Also looking on is Ashur, who after last week's events will heretofore be known by his new name: Ash-hole.

Hmmm ... remember a couple weeks ago when I noticed a gladiator (I can't spell his real name, but it's something like Nasty) in the ludus leering at Twink Slave, and thought it would make a "juicy sub-plot?" It suddenly doesn't seem like so fun as he devours Twink Slave with his eyes during the funeral.

Three minutes in and I'm uncomfortable already.

In the baths, Batty visits Spartacus to give him the world's lamest feel-better-champ speech, and pretends to feel bad not doing more to protect Sura. What. A. Snake. I can't wait until Sparty figures out the truth and confronts Batty. Probably Season three, I'd bet. 

Batty then goes to chat with the guy who killed Sura. Lucretia Lawless shows up and asks if it was wise to kill her, and Batty's like, "Oh, hell, yeah. This is going to make me freakin' rich and famous, beeyotch!" In fact, Batty is dreaming of one day advancing to the Roman Senate. Here is hoping they aren't trying to pass health care or pretending to be "bipartisan."