"Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.09 Recap: "Whore"

The episode begins with a mass-sparring session in the ludus. The two hottie German brothers are battling each other, and nearby Spartacus and Blond Favreau are going at it. Attention shippers: the fight ends with Spartacus holding Blondie from behind and whispering, "Your head is mine. How shall I mount it?"

I'm just sayin'.

Meanwhile, Frenemy #1 from the last episode is checking out a gallery of masks with Lucretia Lawless in the villa. Turns out the masks are to hide her identity when she comes back to the villa to get her freak on with Sparty. It turns out Batty runs a full service ludus.

The episode is titled "Whore," and we learn that in addition to fighting in the arena, the gladiators are expected to service noble women who come to the villa. But of course these ladies want anonymity, thus the masks.

Paris Hilton BC shows up in the midst of the mask shopping and raises a bitchy eyebrow. She and Frenemy face off, and after dissing Paris' dead gladiator Segovax, Frenemy saunters off. Trying to distract her, Lucretia plants a kiss on her and the two dish. But Paris isn't buying it, and tumbles onto what Frenemy is really up to and blurts out, "I know what's up. She wants to get her freak on with a gladiator!"

Paris promises that this will be their little secret and that it will only bring them closer. Keep that mind because you're going to hear those words again in a very different — and creepy — way. 

Batty hears about this exchange and is not happy, but Lucretia's like, "Nah, it's cool, I got it." But when Batty hears which Frenemy it is, Batty is all excited because her husband "sh*ts" gold. Classy that Batty.

Later he tells Spartacus about Frenemy's cheeky desires, and Spartacus is like, "Huh. Beats fighting in the arena. Okay, let's do it up."

Back in the infirmary, the Medicus is still patching up Crisco, who's determined to return to training. Ash-hole shows up and is like, "Yeah, I want to fight again, too." Crisco's not impressed and leaves, laughing.

In their bedroom, Lucretia watches as Batty is nailing a slave girl, and offers him a little assist in the last quarter by giving him a purple nurple.

Ew.

That event prompts Lucretia to remember that Spartacus hasn't gotten any action in a while, and, worried he might perform a little too quickly with Frenemy, sends her slave, Mira, to get it on with our hero. You know, for practice.

Spartacus is all, "I don't need any practice! I'm the man! So peace out, please." Mira leaves, rejected.