Recap "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" 1.13: "Kill Them All!"

All right, hack'n'slashers, this is it! Season finale time! Time to kill them all!!

As we all know by now, Spartacus is SO onto the villain Batty's villainous villainy, and he plans to take his revenge, possibly with the help of the German Hottie brothers, as well as Crisco and Old Navy who have been torn apart by Batty and Lucretia Lawless.

We open with a refreshing cavalcade of man-meat as the gladiators are brought out, chain-gang-style, into the ludus. Batty is making a grandiose speech about how freaking awesome he is now that he has Glaber's patronage. Woo hoo, Batty. Woo to the hoo. (Enjoy it while you can.)

The Older German Hottie starts to make menacing eyes at a soldier, and Spartacus is all, "Chill, son. In due time."

Turns out that in order to celebrate Glaber's patronage of the House of Batiatus, Batty has set up a private fight between Crisco and Spartacus for the viewing pleasure of the Roman elite who will be able to brag, "You were at Woodstockius? Along with 100,000 others? That's nice but I and a few others witnessed Spartacus and Crixus battle to the death. Boo yah!"

It turns out Batty is also hoping Sparty will put the former Champion of capua in the ground. As the two prepare to square off, Spartacus seems to be pleading with Crisco about something, but Crisco is all, "I've given my answer."

Uh, what?

They start to fight, and then ... wait, is this Lost? We have a flashback!

We jump back two days, and Sparty and the German Hotties are discussing their plan to break out of the ludus. Turns out they only have a few people on their side, and need the endorsement of Crisco to really get the other slaves to rally. Good luck with that, Sparty, because Crisco always does exactly what you ask him to.

Inside the villa, Pit Guy and Batty are talking, and Batty tells him that since he's going to pursue politics, he'll grant Put Guy his freedom and give him the ludus. Whoa! For realsies? What's more, he also calls him by his real name. I know you're all shocked to discover Pit Guy is a nickname, but it turns out he's really Oenamaus, who if you know your history is ... well, I won't spoil anything.

But instead of rejoicing, Onomatopoeia asks Batty if it's true that he killed Barca. Batty lies and says "Well, y-e-e-s, but it's complicated." Batty explains Barca disobeyed orders by killing that family, as opposed to the truth, which is that those were Batty's exact orders because he kills anybody who disses him. Remember that barista at Starbuckius who went missing after giving Batty whole milk instead of 2%? Just saying...

Later out on the balcony, Batty joins Lucretia Lawless to talk about the fact that she's preggers. Lucretia isn't all giggles and cheer, though, and it turns out she's the one who came up with the fight between Spartacus and Crisco.