"Spartacus: Gods of the Arena" 2.02 Recap: "Let's See What's Under That Loincloth, Why Don't We?"

Welcome back, you bloodthirsty lunatics, to another edition of the pool of sexy insanity I like to call Spartacus: Gods of the Arena!

When we last left off, Batty was getting the balls beaten off him by the super-evil Taliban and that nasty twink, Blondie McBlonderstein. The episode opens with Batty waking up in the crowded streets as he staggers off in a daze, and man, has he seen better days.

We then flashforward to Batty recuperating in bed. He gets up, naked, and after offering us a generous view of some rather surprisingly pert buttock, Lucretia Lawless runs in with her lesbuddy Gaia and tells him to rest. Batty's all, "Hell's no, I'm virile, beeyotch!" Gaia tells him his wounds are less gruesome but still pretty gnarly. Nice bedside manner, Gaia. Better stick to Sapphic acid trips.

Lucretia's super worried, but Batty tells her he's fine. She wants him to speak to the Madge and tell on Blondie and Taliban, but Batty's all, "Taliban pulls the strings around here. An ambitious man is capable of anything." He then found a kettle, introduced himself as a pot, and called it black.

In the streets, Taliban and Blondie are discussing Varras, some famous rich guy who's coming to town. Varras is not to be confused with the adorable Varro from the original and who we still miss around here. Taliban then spots So-Lame-ius strolling about and offers to buy him some wine, if he can have his ear for a bit. No, I mean, like, to listen to him. Not really have his ear. I forget, you have to be specific on this show.

All right, too many clothes on the streets. Bring on the man meat!

We cut to the ludus, and ... fanfiction writers get ready ... there's some interesting pairings, with Auctus fighting Gannicus and Crisco taking on Doctore. Gaia watches the goings on, and cannot tear her eyes off of Crisco's ratty weave and well-packed loincloth. Old Navy doesn't even know his name yet. Just you wait, Old Navy. Just you wait. 

Crisco is a good fighter but not quite a prodigy just yet. Onomotopaeia gives him some good lessons, but he's still just a newb and it shows as he gets knocked about. Nonetheless, he fills out his loincloth quite nicely. Doctore tells him to go back to the newbs and train, and as he does so it's pretty clear he's the best of all of them. Doctore tells Onomotopaeia he's doing a good job training him, and that he'll try to convince Batty to put Onomo back in the arena.

So-Lame-ius drops by the ludus and tells Batty that Taliban wants him to convince Batty to sell Gannicus. Batty flips the eff out, and Lucretia comes running. So-Lame-ius tells him that if he refuses, then Taliban will make sure So-Lame-ius is barred from the games alongside his BFF Batty. Fuming, Batty heads out to watch the gladiators.