"Spartacus: Gods of the Arena" 2.03 Recap: Another One Bites the Dust

Citizens of AfterEltonia, the time has come for tonight's Primus!

Get ready for a wild episode, you connoisseurs of carnage and coitus, you captains of cadavers, you cravers of ... well, ya know.

Hey, speaking of the big C, in addition to the generous nudity (and this ep features the welcome return of Crisco's little gladiator), have you noticed how often they say the word itself? I ask you, was there ever a cockier show than Spartacus? (Let's see if that one slips past the censors.)

Now, before we get started, I have to put out a warning that there are going to be some disappointed viewers after tonight's episode. I'm not one of those viewers. But more on that later.

Okay, so as we all know, last week ended with Gannicus earning the favor of Varras by getting all freak-nasty with Medea, the wife of the newly-christened Doctore. This week begins with Batty announcing to all of his hot, half-naked men that Gannicus is heading straight to the main event.

He then lets them know that Onomotopaeia is now Doctore, aka totally their boss. Isn't it weird when your coworker gets promoted above you? Ugh, I bet they are so going to talk about him around the mead cooler.

Doctore, Medea, and Ganny head in and have a super awkward exchange, but Doctore thinks it's because Gannicus doesn't feel comfortable with him being the bossman. Medea's like, "Uhh .... yeah, totally. I bet that's totally it. Hey, did you ever notice the paint on this wall? Ha ha! Nice, right? Ha ha!"

So then Doctore heads out to assert his dominance over the men by peeing on them or something, and he ... um, he ...

I'm sorry, did Ash-hole have this bangin' a bod last season? Because I get a funny feeling in my nether bits when I see him now, and I don't remember that from last season at all.

Meanwhile, Batty's having a drunken threeway with Lucretia Lawless and Gaia — 'cause, ya know, it's Tuesday afternoon — and Batty's like, "We are so awesome, you guys, seriously. You know what would be the only thing that could possibly make this moment uncomfortable? Like, I don't know, maybe if one of our parents was watching or something and -- yep, yep, that's my dad."

Pappy-Batty takes his son upstairs and is all, "I'm old and ornery. You've brought ruin and shame to my ludus. And why are those goddamn kids always playing on my goddamn lawn?" But then Pappy-Batty learns that Batty has Varras on his side and is going to put Ganny in his primus, and is all, "Whhaaa?"

Meanwhile, the suddenly hot Ash-hole and his buddy are all excited to be accepted into the homoerotic bosom that is the brotherhood, but they're still getting bullied by the gladi-gay-tors, Barracuda and his lover, Octagon. (So named because that man is eight sides of HOT.) Less hot, though, is that this power couple gets their ya-yas by peeing in the new guys' food. Nice.