"Spartacus: Gods of the Arena" 2.04 Recap: "What Happens in the House of Batiatus Stays in the House of Batiatus"

All right, everyone's wearing their leather Speedos, has their bladder of wine, and is saying the word "c*ck" in every sentence, right?

Okey dokey, then by Jupiter's c*ck we are all set to be gods of the f*cking arena!

What? I'm just getting in the mood.

So, big surprise, this episode starts with a battle royale in the arena as we see that old tried and true cliche of Roman arenas, some dude fighting with a trident and net. That just brings me back to grade school.

It's a pretty boring fight, and Batty and Pappy-Batty are discussing the future of their ludus, but the guy with the net does pull a SICK move where he leaps on his opponent and puts him in a scissor hold —

— and then flips him over with his legs and lands a badass arm bar!

What? I'm allowed to know what the moves are called. I can have layers.

Eventually, Ash-hole and his buddy, who I'll just call Lurch, get pulled into the arena, and Doctore tells Ash-hole that the only reason he's allowed to fight in the games is because he can translate for Lurch. Ash-hole and Lurch fight their opponents, and Lurch gets both kills, but Ash-hole takes credit anyway. Remember this moment, because it's important later, both in this episode and what happens to Ash-hole in the first season.

We cut to Lucretia Lawless and Gaia in the streets, and the ladies are bitching about Pappy-Batty. Gaia's thinking about leaving, but Lucretia's all, "Nah, bro, you my homey. Ya gots to stick around."

Turns out Gaia kind of steered them toward another Roman citizen who she was hoping to mack on, but when they find the gentleman, he's much more interested in talking to Lucretia about the rumors he's heard about her villa being ho bag central. Ah, so now we're discovering the origin of the story we see in the season one episode "Whore." See how they're cleverly constructing this? With interesting and unexpected avenues toward a story we already know? Are you paying attention, George Lucas? ARE YOU??!!

In the ludus, there's a whole lotta hot sweaty mens getting their physical on, but one guy seems decidedly lackluster today, and that dude is Barracuda. Now why might he be upset? Riiiight, his lover totally got barbacued last week by Crisco. It's cool, though, he totally forgave Crisco because, ya know, he respected his fighting style. Whatever.