Cliff notes- Welcome back to the world of Torchwood. For those of you just joining us, you can read the hilarious, yet lyrical and thought-provoking recap of Episode 1 here. Or, if you're short on time, there's this: Captain Jack Harkness is a chiseled bisexual man of mystery who leads Torchwood, a small special ops team that investigates alien phenomenon. Gwen is a not-so-chiseled Welsh beat cop whose tenacious curiosity and work-a-day boredom leads her to joining Torchwood. A lot of stuff happens and later, a Torchwood team member kills herself. Gwen is offered her newly vacated position. So, now that you're all caught up…

Close encounters- Gwen and her doughy boyfriend are out for a night of bowling. Bowling is cool – any sport where drinking beer during the game is not only permitted, but encouraged, is my kind of sport. And alcohol helps you forget the disgusting fact that you're wearing rental footwear.

After bowling and a movie, too, the happy couple settles into a small café table and talk about Gwen's new job. Gwen tells boyfriend about Torchwood in a vague sort of way. They haven't said this guy's name yet, so let's just call him "Guy" for now.

Guy: What does it mean, "Special Ops?"
Gwen: It's no big deal, mostly filing.

File that under "D" for deflection.

Gwen: Can we talk about something else?
Guy: C'mon. It's your first day tomorrow. I'm excited for ya… big promotion.

Aw. Guy is supportive and proud, even though he has no idea about what. Gwen feels a little randy and suggests an "early night." Guy is halfway to the car when, suddenly, there's a loud rumbling overhead. Gwen, Guy and the rest of the café look up and see a ginormous ball of fire blazing across the night sky. Guy thinks it's a plane on fire. Gwen knows instantly that's no plane. She grabs his arm and they run out on their latte check to investigate.

Gwen and Guy make it to the street just in time to see the ball of fire scream past them and crash spectacularly into a distant hillside. Right on cue, Gwen's cell phone goes off. Gee, let's guess who that is. Gwen looks down at her cell and announces, "I've got to go to work!" leaving Guy with balls of fire of his own.

Follow that alien- Capt. Jack, Owen, Toshiko and newbie Gwen jump into the Torchwood SUV and race through the streets of Cardiff towards the UFO wreckage. As he drives, Capt. Jack says it's a "simple locate and clean up operation" but they have to get there before the traditional authorities get their grubby paws all up in it.

Owen turns to Toshiko and Gwen, who are riding in the backseat, and asks about their tracking progress. Suddenly, state-of-the-art computer panels and keyboards pop out of hidden panels. Toshiko immediately starts tippy-tapping on her keyboard and brings up satellite maps and triangulation programs. Following the you-can't-miss-it ribbon of smoke in the sky to a swath of burnt earth a quarter of a mile wide would be too, ya know, easy.

Gwen's eyes go from being full of wonder and awe to scandalized and disapproving when she sees Toshiko mining a police database. She admonishes, "You shouldn't have this," motioning at Toshiko's monitor. Capt. Jack turns and suggests to his rookie she stop saying "you" start using the more inclusive "we."

Finally arriving at the crash site, the Torchwoodies find that the army has beaten them to it. So much for taking that Dumballs Road shortcut. (That's a real street in Cardiff, I swear.)

There's enough swirling lights and beefy guys in camouflage milling around to make it look like theme night at a fetish club. Capt. Jack orders the "usual formation" and they march through the barricade. Gwen has no idea what "usual formation" means and scrambles to catch up, having forgotten to be useful by carrying some equipment.

Separated from the others, Gwen gets stopped by some guards who deny her access because she looks more like a lost hiker than a highly-trained special ops agent.

Gwen: Uh, I'm with Torchwood.
Condescending Army Guy: Don't mess with me little girl. You're not with Torchwood. But even if you were…
Capt. Jack: [stepping in] … they'd have put out the welcome banners. Now, first of all, she's no little girl. From where I'm standing – all the right curves in all the right places. But she is Torchwood, we both are. And we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work.

Ooh, smack down.

Gwen rejoins the team in a pit where they're preparing to analyze the UFO. Owen reports it's "standard space debris," i.e., a meteor. Jack orders them to take the usual readings so they can all get the hell out of there.

Owen opens his case, which looks like a cross between a tackle box and a dissection kit. Toshiko puts a stethoscope to the rock, listening for either a heart beat or the ocean, I'm not sure. Science is complicated, people.

Jack scrapes some samples into a plastic bag. Gwen has nothing to do, so she stands there as lost as Paris Hilton at the library. Jack throws a hammer and chisel to Owen from across the pit. Owen tells Gwen to pass him something out of the tool box.

Owen: Make yourself useful, sweetheart. Pass us the big chisel from the silver box.
Gwen: Not "sweetheart." Gwen . One syllable. Sure you can manage it.
Owen: Not "sweet cheeks?" "Freckles?" "New girl?"
Gwen: [grabbing the big chisel] It's a shame your tool's not big enough for the job, darlin'. Catch!

Gwen throws the chisel at Owen, but she throws like a girl and it's off its mark. The chisel pierces the meteor. A mist starts to leak out of the thing and as the pressure builds, starts to spew an iridescent pink and purple gas. Nice going, sweet cheeks.