“Torchwood” Episode 104 Recap: "Cyberwoman"

Ianto's secret — It's a slow day on the time-space rift. There are no alarms going off, no strange phenomena on the CCTV, no reports of objects falling out of the sky. In short, Torchwood has nothing to do.

To while away the hours, Jack, Tosh, Gwen and Owen play a little basketball in the office. Full-time alien investigators need to unwind — what, with the constant danger of being vaporized by laser weapons, disemboweled by angry aliens or swept into a black hole, never to be seen again. It's understandable that the gang from Torchwood 3, Cardiff Branch, doesn't catch up on paperwork or tidy their desk areas when they have some free time.

Even their pet pterodactyl is bored — he swoops down and tries to steal the ball. You'd think Jack would be better at handling balls but it's Gwen who gets her hands on it and passes it to Owen who's up on the catwalk. He drops it into the basket underneath him for a very illegal two points.

As soon as Ianto comes in, everyone grabs their jackets and leaves, so oblivious to his presence, they practically body check him as they blow out the door. Where's the love? Every office has its unsung heroes; assistants, temps and underlings who keep everything humming but no one bothers to learn their names. I usually call them "Kid" or "Bud" or the always-endearing, "hey you".

While the gang walks to the nearest pub, Ianto is alone in the lair, ordering some pizza and coleslaw for himself. Dinner for one again. And since when does coleslaw go with pizza? No wonder no one wants to eat with him.

After placing his order, Ianto gets a visitor; an older Japanese man wearing a business suit and carrying a large metal briefcase. Ianto bows and greets him in Japanese: "Konnichiwa, Tanizaki-san." They walk downstairs together, stopping in front of a heavy metal door. As Ianto unlocks it, he turns to Tanizaki and says: "I did all I could. I really did."

On the other side of the door, there are ventilators, tubes and an EKG-ish machine. A monitor beeps steadily in the background. Ianto hits a switch and a motorized gurney rises and tilts upward, revealing its patient: a half-human, half-cyborg woman sporting a shiny silver helmet and metal American Gladiator outfit. I was wondering what ever happened to Grace Jones. And here she is, using technology to turn back the ravages of time.

"One of them survived!" exclaims Tanizaki, his mouth hanging open in awe. Ianto leans over and kisses cyberchick. She opens her eyes and stares into space. Halitosis?

Does this metal exoskeleton make me look fat? — Tanizaki, obviously some sort of doctor or scientist, is very, very excited. He puts on his glasses for a closer look at Ianto's science fair project.

Tanizaki: She's the only one left… across the whole world. [shaking Ianto's hand] Thank you. Thank you so much! Bringing it here… I never thought I'd get my chance to study, to work with anything like this.
Ianto: Anyone.
Tanizaki: Tell me, what happened?
Ianto: She worked with Torchwood London. It was the end of the Canary War battle. The Cybermen needed soldiers fast. They started upgrading whole bodies, instead of transplanting brains… Lisa was halfway through the process when the machinery shut down.

Yeah, I hate when that happens.

Tanizaki is fascinated. He speculates Lisa is fifty-five percent cyberorganism, forty-five percent human. Or maybe 60/40? He looks to Ianto for his opinion, but Ianto looks ill from watching Tanizaki run his curious hands all over his girl toy. I dunno. She looks like one of Janet Jackson's back-up dancers. Love the metal thong, by the way.

Tanizaki wants to know how a mere office lackey like Ianto knew how to hook up all the life support machines. Suddenly, Lisa chimes in, "I told him." It's alive. And a little bossy, I must say.

Ianto immediately starts doting on Lisa. How do you feel, honey? How's the pain? Can I get you some more WD-40?