“Torchwood” Episode 104 Recap: "Cyberwoman"

Tanizaki introduces himself to Grace Jones as a scientist who specializes in cybernetics. He starts asking her questions and entering the data into his Blackberry, while Ianto looks on like a nervous nelly. The goal is to get Lisa back to being one hundred percent human, out of that Robocop get-up and back into Ianto's bed.

In every relationship, people change, they evolve. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. But if overnight, your lover sprouts tubes from his neck and needs a titanium hat, (no matter how fashionable,) to protect the exposed squishy parts of their noggin, it might be time date other people. I'm just saying.

Meanwhile, over at the local pub, over a round of beers, Jack is spinning another one of his famous yarns.

All of Jack's stories end with something like, "If I had known it had a tail that long, I would have bought it a drink!" or "So he said to me, 'Next time, I'll wear the pants!'" or "…And I'll never look at sausage casings the same way again!"

Tosh's Alien Alert beeper thingy goes off. It's showing a UFO sighting over Cardigan Bay. Finally! Something to do. They toss back the rest of their beers and head back to the lair.

Busted — Dr. Tanizaki is attempting to remove Lisa from her metal shoulder pads because they're so 1983. Actually, he's trying to get her off her ventilator — the first step in returning her to her human self. Ianto hovers over her like a mother hen, intently looking for the slightest change. Tanizaki glances at his watch as if thinking, "I hope this doesn't take all night, Dancing with the Stars starts in an hour."

Lisa lets out a gasp like she's caught Tim Gunn wearing shoes from Wal-Mart. She looks frightened and confused until she sees Ianto's furrowed brow leaning over her. Daddy, is that you?

It's a happy day for Ianto and Lisa until uh oh — on the monitor, Ianto can see Jack, Tosh, Owen and Gwen returning to the office. Remember when you were young and doing who-knows-what with who-knows-whom because your parents weren't supposed to be home for hours? And suddenly, you heard your dad's car in the driveway? That's how Ianto feels right about now.

Ianto's so busted. Get rid of the bong and the porn and for cripes sake, someone hide that six foot cyborg. He and Dr. Tanizaki help Lisa back to her secret hospital room in the basement. But Ianto has to go upstairs, show his face and act as if he's been doing Sudoku's all night. He tells Dr. Tanizaki to take Lisa the rest of the way and wait for him. Lisa, all wobbly from her recent return to humanity, leans on Dr. Tanizaki for support and the two of them stumble away.

On their way back to the office, Captain Jack and the others bicker about who gets to drive the Torchwoodmobile. Oh those crazy kids. They blow in, none the wiser of what's been going on while they were out. Jack starts barking UFO procedure orders to the others: bring up the latest radar sweeps, check those RAF flight plans, call that guy who sounds like Sean Connery. I don't know what that last one has to do with anything except Jack seems to have a thing for Sean Connery.

Dr. Tanizaki tries to carry Lisa, even though she's a foot taller and carrying an extra 100 pounds of scrap metal. Suddenly and without warning, she turns to the doctor, grabs him by the throat and picks him up off the ground with one hand. I dated a girl like that once.

Back upstairs, Ianto loiters about, keeping an eye on the others and trying not to sweat through his suit. Jack calls his name. Ianto freezes in his guilty little tracks. "Would you work some coffee magic?" asks Jack. Phew.

Ianto smiles weakly at Jack and looks away. With the girl he loves caught between the human world she once knew and a cyborg world filled with deadly directives and really bad fashions, the last thing Ianto cares about is fetching Mr. Big Shot his evening coffee.