“Torchwood” Episode 104 Recap: "Cyberwoman"

Here comes Lisa. She stops and listens for Owen and Gwen but really, all she can hear is the sound of her own Godzilla footsteps.

Back in the lab, Jack returns from the dead, none the worse for wear. He turns Ianto over, whose been face down in the water for oh, at least five minutes.

Cut back to inside the drawer where Gwen is laying on top of Owen. She whispers, "What do we do?" Owen grabs her face and starts kissing her. And what's this? Gwen kisses him back. These two belong together.

Cut to the lab. Jack is giving Ianto mouth-to-mouth. Or something.

Everybody's sucking face except Toshiko, who's upstairs doing yet another thankless task; looking for circuit number 357. Somebody better start appreciating Tosh. And that's all I'm going to say.

Cut back to inside Owen and Gwen's hiding place where they're really going at it. Suddenly, Gwen's super-duper cell phone goes off. I swear, she could be buried under 50 feet of lead and that damn thing would ring.

It's dopey Rhys, of course, calling to ask Gwen to tape Wife Swap for him. Here's another couple that needs to call it quits.

Alerted by the ringing, Lisa turns and heads towards their hiding place. Gwen and Owen scramble out of their hiding spot. They fumble for some sort of weapon – Owen grabs a big chisel and buries it in Lisa's gut.

She lets out a strange tone and falls against the wall, the chisel handle sticking out of her.

In the lab, Ianto has made a miraculous recovery, thanks to Jack's kiss of life. (Who wouldn't?) Recognizing Lisa's distress call, Ianto rushes to her side.

Owen and Gwen keep an eye on Lisa to make sure she's good and dead.

Gwen: What the hell was that?
Owen: What?
Gwen: Snogging me.
Owen: Last kiss for the condemned man. Embarrassing, given we haven't been killed… what? It's not like I fancy you or anything.
Gwen: I was on top of you. I could feel your hard on.

Ya gotta love the BBC.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Ianto finds Lisa and examines her new chiselicious accessory. Owen and Gwen half-heartedly apologize for stabbing Ianto's true love in the gut.

Lisa suddenly opens her eyes. Of course she does — she's the frigging Energizer Bunny. The show can't be over just because I want to be done with this recap and go out to dinner. Nooo. Lisa keeps going and where Lisa goes, so goes my nation. Oh, how I hate Lisa.

With the chisel still buried in her stomach, she lopes after the team. Jack arms himself with a blow torch. Maybe they can melt her into an ashtray.

Upstairs, Toshiko is under the front desk, tangled in a rat's nest of wires. It looks like the back of my TV. She working as fast as she can but it's a mess and nothing's labeled.

Downstairs, Owen and Gwen hold Ianto back as he begs Jack to give Lisa a chance to surrender. Cheese-ass. Give it up, honey. Instead of welding Lisa's face into a hubcap, Jack squirts her with something from a condiment bottle. He yells it's barbeque sauce.

Pressing a button on his Inspector Gadget wristband, Jack turns to Ianto and says he's sorry. Just then, the pterodactyl swoops down from the rafters and attacks Lisa. Awesome. At least someone gets to have dinner.