Torchwood Episode 201 Recap: “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”

They pull up behind Tuna Charlie’s car, and Owen starts shooting at him from out the window. I’d think in this case it might be more effective to fling tartar sauce and lemon wedges. They pull up to the convertible and find it empty, then hear shots from a nearby house.

They rush in to find Charlie holding a gun to a scared young woman’s head. That’s the thing about fish; if you don’t eat it right away, it can go bad so easily. Tosh does some sort of scanner thing and determines he’s strung out on coke. I’d think it would be tough for a fish to maintain a coke addiction. Like how would you keep the powder from dissolving under water? You’d constantly be blowing your stash, and not in the way you intended.

Charlie: So this is team Torchwood. The teacher’s pets. But teacher’s gone … And look at you. Trying so hard to be all grown up.

As you can see, Charlie is something of an amateur recapper. He proceeds to recap the show’s main characters and their roles: Owen, “the doctor with his hands full of blood,” and Tosh, “the technician, with her cold devices.” He calls Gwen the “carer,” which is as good a title as any, I guess, given I’m still not clear what her exact role is on the team, other than making colossally stupid moves that put everyone in even graver danger.

Charlie then starts in on poor Ianto, the “office boy promoted beyond his measure,” taunting him about not having the guts to take a shot at him. Before you can say, “Sorry, Charlie,” there’s a loud BLAM, and fillet o’ fish splattered all o’ the wall. Great. Now somebody has to go and find a giant toilet to flush him down.

But it wasn’t Ianto who did that fancy shooting. It was Captain Jack!

Jack: Hey kids. Did you miss me?

God, John Barrowman is gorgeous. He can come over and torch my wood any time he likes.

Back at the Hub, Charlie is splayed out on a slab like day-old sushi, which, come to think of it, is pretty much what he is. They better keep a close eye on him, or he’ll wind up at one of those all-you-can eat buffets.

The team is making a big show of acting busy, like Jack’s going to kick off his return with a surprise performance review. Tosh asks Jack where he’s been.

Jack: I found my doctor.
Owen: Did he fix you?
Jack: What’s to fix? You don’t mess with this level of perfection.

Then an alarm starts to beep, alerting them to Rift Activity. They head off to the Torchmobile, not noticing that something’s flashing in Charlie’s pocket. It’s probably just his beeper. SpongeBob is going to be super pissed when he can’t reach his dealer.

Carpark Rooftop. The air is getting all smoky and glowy. Out of the mist comes a lone figure. Yay! It’s Spike. And the way he emerges from the haze is kind of like Ahnold in The Terminator, except he’s unfortunately not naked. Even more unfortunate, he’s wearing a jacket that makes him look like a cross between Sergeant Pepper and Dog the Bounty Hunter. And he’s paired it with jeans, boots, and a saber. The overall effect is swishy Confederate soldier.