Torchwood Episode 201 Recap: “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”

Still, though, it’s Spike! And he’s speaking with that sexy combination of charm and menace that he does so well — and that I find so irresistible.

He spots a carpark crime in progress, and as he approaches, the guy holding the knife swears he’s going to cut the other guy. Spike is all, “Fine by me. Which artery?” This succeeds in stunning the baddie long enough for Spike to toss him off the roof. The other guy flees in terror.

Spike: Thirsty now.

Cocktail Lounge. Even though it’s a sort of chic, modern bar, it’s got these old-timey saloon doors that Spike pushes his way through. He hits a button on his wristband that makes everybody stop talking. What I wouldn’t give to have that in a movie theater.

He swaggers through, demanding that everybody leave except a few choice bimbos. Given he’s supposed to be bringing a big dose of gay to this season, I’m disappointed he couldn’t pick up a few of those sexy Welsh himbos too.

A thug tries to get him to take it outside, so Spike whips out his gun. And sadly, that’s not a euphemism. Everybody screams and runs, while he laughs and pulls up a stool at the bar.

Meanwhile, back at the carpark, we see Team Torchwood who are … You know, typing “Team Torchwood” over and over is getting tiring. They need a shorter nickname, like how Buffy had “The Scoobies.” Since they’re into all that X-Files alien stuff, how about if we go with “The Scullies”?

Okay, so the Scullies are poking and prodding the dead dude who Spike left behind. Tosh says she can detect “fragments of Rift jelly” on the body. This is news to me. Who knew you need to lube up before penetrating the Rift? Maybe it should be called the space-time Rim.

Jack starts to give orders, but Gwen gets all, “Oh, so now you’re in charge again.”

Jack: I was hoping for a little power struggle resolved by some naked wrestling.

Unless he was referring specifically to Ianto, I can’t say I was hoping for the same thing.

Jack’s wristband starts to beep, and then this hologram projection of Spike appears. I was going to make a crack about it being all “Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope,” except Spike pretty much does that himself. He says he’s sorry about the messy body he left for Jack to clean up, and then asks to meet up for drinks.

Jack immediately hightails it out of there, leaving the Scullies to wonder where he’s gone to in such a hurry. Given he’s got a hot date, I’m guessing he went home to look for pants that don’t make his ass look fat.

Reunion Bar. Spike is sitting at the bar, with about 30 empty shot glasses in front of him. Looks like he’s also been watching last season. Suddenly, his gay Spidey senses tingle. Something studly this way comes!

Jack pushes open the doors, doing the Old West saloony thing. The two stand facing each other, as the camera pans up their bodies from boots on up. They gaze at each other across the room, and the moment is absolutely electric. I’m already getting so excited that I have to take a break and watch The View to clear my head of anything remotely sexual before I can continue.