Torchwood Episode 201 Recap: “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”

Then comes that kiss. And even though, like you, I’ve seen that clip about a hundred times, it’s somehow even steamier in context. Frankly, this is the hottest thing I’ve seen on TV since Spike and Angel got together, except that that only happened in my mind and in bad slash erotica written by bored, Harlequin-romance-besotted housewives. This, if I’m not mistaken, is actually happening.

Lots of shows these days think it’s hip and clever to give you the ho-yay. This is that rare occasion where we’re moving from ho-yay to ho-do, and I say it’s about damned time.

Anyway, they come up for air, and I’m thinking this is a good time to move things along to the back room. Or, if they’re really in the mood, perhaps out to find some space-time Rim jelly.

Instead, we go from kissing to knock-down, drag-out fighting. Punch to the stomach … kick to the crotch … butting heads. Foreplay is soooo boring. Can we get to the good stuff, already? Because, unless all this violence is leading to someone tearing off someone else’s shirt, I’m getting tired of all the manly posturing.

Meanwhile, the Scullies have commandeered a taxi, as Tosh tracks Jack’s whereabouts. They wonder who “that bloke” was and why Jack didn’t want them along.

Gwen: Because it’s typical Jack, isn’t it? He disappears, he comes back, he runs away again … it drives me crazy.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why they’re all still so upset about this. People, he’s your boss! You should be happy when he’s away! Surf the Internet … talk about last night’s Gossip Girl … get drunk. That’s what I do when my boss is away. Or around but not looking.

Back at the bar, Spike and Jack pull guns on each other John Woo-style.

Spike: You’ve put on weight.
Jack: You’re losing your hair.

Jack explains that he’s now Captain Jack Harkness. Spike introduces himself as “Captain John Hart.” Eh. I’m not wild about the name. Spike is way cooler, so I’m sticking with it. They decide to settle down for a drink, which in my mind is a vast improvement over pummeling since it greatly increases the chances of karaoke and/or a drunken striptease.

Jack asks Spike about rehab, and it turns out he was in “rehabs, plural,” for drink, drugs, sex, and murder. But he swears he’s now “living like a priest.” Unless things are very different in the future, that’s not exactly a reassuring claim.