Torchwood Episode 201 Recap: “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”

Then Spike breaks the sad news that the Time Agency was shut down, and there are “only seven of us left now.” He tells Jack that it’s good to see him, then leans in for another kiss. Finally. Except Jack puts a quick stop to it.

Jack: You need to go. I don’t want you in my territory.
Spike: What? Time was you couldn’t get enough of me in your … territory.

Suddenly, he whips out his gun (still not euphemistically) and shoots out the glass doors, revealing Gwen and crew. Spike thinks it’s sweet that Jack has gone and got himself a team, wondering if they have a nickname like “Excalibur” or “Bikini Cops.” Guess he hasn’t heard about “The Scullies.” Jack explains that he and Spike go way back.

Spike: Excuse me. We more than go back. We were partners … In every way.
Jack: It was two weeks.
Spike: Except the two weeks was trapped in a time loop, so we were together for five years.

During which they moved to the Brooklyn galaxy, renovated a brownstone, and adopted a labradoodle.

One of the things I love about this show is that rather than getting all angsty over altering history, their biggest concern is how time travel can screw with people’s sex lives. It sure beats getting all worked up about how killing a butterfly can lead to a future where Ashton Kutcher doesn’t have arms.

Anyway, they then get into this cute little argument over who was the wife in their relationship. I’m thinking, “Boys, you can take turns being the wife … it’s fun, trust me.”

Jack asks what Spike’s doing there, and his response is to reach for his wristband. Tosh notices it’s the same as Jack’s.

Jack: It’s a little smaller.
Spike: But it lasts much longer … You get two time agents in a room together, and it’s always about the size of the wristbands.

Heh. As you can tell from all this quoting I’m doing, Spike’s appearance has the welcome effect of introducing some funny, clever, innuendo-infused dialogue to this show, and I’m pretty much loving it.

Spike uses his wristband to project a hologram of a “radiation cluster bomb,” which, despite it’s kick-ass name, looks about as threatening as a Duracell battery. Wow, I hope that pink bunny isn’t lurking nearby. On top of Charlie the Tuna’s cameo, it would be too terrifying to bear.

Spike explains that a beautiful woman he was working with got shot, and as she was dying, told him about these radiation containers, which went missing in the Rift. There are three of them, and they’re filled with “contents beyond toxic” that will soon infect the entire planet. Spike is there to retrieve the canisters and neutralize them. The only problem is he doesn’t know how to find them.

Tosh says she can do something techie to locate them. But Jack insists that if they help Spike, he has to promise to leave immediately afterwards. I’m baffled why he wants to get rid of him so quickly. Sure, he’s up to no good, but post-break-up, post-reunion sex can be so hot.