Torchwood Episode 201 Recap: “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”

Outside TW3 HQ. Spike is getting all annoyed that he has to go through some kind of back entrance.

Jack: This is the entrance for tourists.
Spike: I remember the last time you said that.

Heh heh. That’s just about the most surprising TV reference to backdoor loving since Bob Eubanks asked, “Where’s the most unusual place you’ve made whoopee?” I’m just loving the saucy banter between these two, aren’t you?

Inside HQ, Gwen pulls Jack aside. She’s decided that with the threat of human extinction looming, it’s the perfect time to whine to Jack about how he deserted them. She demands to know where he was. He says something about how he saw the end of the world, but the thing that kept him fighting was “the thought of coming home to you.”

Then they play footsie with each other’s hands, and he notices she’s sporting an engagement ring. And even though he wishes her well, the scene ends with them hugging, closing their eyes as if holding back all sorts of intense, unspoken emotions.

There’s more to this scene, but I wasn’t really paying attention since I was so busy barfing. Why, oh why, are they pushing Jack and Gwen as this Big Romance? It’s just not working for me, mostly because I think Jack has more chemistry with his overcoat. Why can’t she just be happy with Rhys, anyway? He’s perfect for her. They’re like a matched set of soggy dishrags.

The Scullies meet up to make a plan. Tosh technobabbles something about isolating three general locations for the Duracell batteries. Spike tries to assign search teams, but Jack gets all up in arms about being the one to give the orders. Hey, a power struggle! Does that mean it’s time for nude wrestling? God, I hope so. Because while there’s been cheeky innuendo aplenty, actual bare-naked cheeks have been noticeably absent.

Gwen gets herself teamed with Spike, much to Jack’s chagrin. He pulls her aside, and she explains that she thinks she can flirt the truth out of Spike about what he’s really up to. If flirting is their primary strategy, I would have thought Jack far more equipped for this particular assignment. Jack, for his part, is concerned that it’s too dangerous, but Gwen insists she can handle it, given she was team leader in his absence.

WHAT?! They elected Gwen leader?! Wouldn’t just about anyone else at TW3 have more of a claim — not to mention be better qualified — including the Pterodactyl and the severed Hand?

Jack tells Gwen his three rules for dealing with Spike: One, don’t believe anything he says. Two, don’t let him get behind you. And three, don’t let him kiss you. Also, don’t feed him after midnight and don’t talk about fight club.

Cardiff Docks. Gwen and Spike are searching one-by-one through these huge shipping containers looking for the Duracell battery.

Gwen wants to get all girl-talky about the woman Spike was working with, and Spike says they had been in love. Then Gwen’s cell phone rings. It’s Rhys calling to announce he got a job, news that’s so astonishing it makes Gwen forget all of Jack’s warnings.