Two figures are sleeping in a darkened bedroom. You know something bad is coming because there’s this totally creepy music playing. Given the music sounds kind of Jaws-y, I’m guessing land shark, which would follow nicely on the blowfish from last week.

The couple is awakened by a noise in their apartment. Wifey, “Beth,” asks hubby, “Mike,” if he’s going to investigate. He wonders if she might do it, so he’s clearly something of a feminist and very much a total wuss. To reassert his manhood, he whips out this enormous cricket bat he keeps under the bed. It’s his morning wood. And even though they’re in terrible danger, he takes the time to hold it up for her with this look of absolute pride, like, “Impressive, no?” Her expression totally reads as, “Eh, I’ve seen bigger.”

While Mike is getting clobbered in the living room, Beth calls the police, thereby establishing her as smarter than 99.8% of all people on TV. Or watching it. Mid-phone-call, these guys in ski masks come in, and all hell breaks loose, as the camerawork gets all Blair Witch-twitchy, and we hear bloodcurdling screaming, “Get away!!!” Apparently, whatever happens is so horrible that the only detail they can show us is this lamp lying on the ground, like we’re supposed to be, “Oh no! Not the lamp!”

I might mock here, but honestly, it’s a really disturbing opening. I have a feeling we’re in “Countrycide” terrain.

Outside, the Torchmobile pulls up, and Jack and the team hop out. I realize everybody pretty much hated “the Scullies,” and while the “Woodies” is funny, it’s so 2007. So I’m going to test out different options in the weeks to come until we find one that feels right. I’ll also accept nominations in the comments section below. Who knows? You might have the unparalleled thrill of being immortalized in a brilliant Torchwood recap, and finally impress your parents with something you did, saving you thousands of dollars in continuing therapy that you can then give me to show your gratitude. We all come out winners.

Anyway, for this recap I’m calling the team the “Jockstraps.” Because they continue supporting Jack even though he spends much of this episode acting like a big dick. There, I said it. Look, Jack is one of my favorite TV characters, but he has his flaws, and he does some pretty questionable stuff this week, as you’ll see.

Tosh explains to the rest of the Jockstraps that there were two male intruders in the apartment. One is dead, the other “seriously wounded” after falling from the 5^th floor window and landing on a police car. Right. Fell five floors and he’s only wounded. He must be like that eviscerated knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail who keeps saying, “It’s only a flesh wound.”

Upstairs, Jack and Tosh survey the blood-spattered crime scene. A cop says it looked like a case for Torchwood, although I’m wondering why. It’s not like the room was littered with tentacles or covered in ectoplasm, or Ghengis Kahn confessed to the murder. I’m starting to think that the Cardiff police are just lazy, like “I’m tired and I want a donut. Let’s let Torchwood deal with this one.”

The cop says he’s convinced the husband did it, since he was clearly looking for trouble, otherwise why would anyone have a bat under the bed.

Jack: You should come over to my place for a game of hockey some time.

Oh Jack, I bet you say that to all the boys. And girls. And better-looking humanoid aliens.