I’ve always thought the term “in medias res” had a sort of sexual ring to it, given that, if you think about it, it’s really just the opposite of “coitus interruptus.” That connotation was vividly confirmed at the start of this week’s Torchwood, which opened in medias res of Rhys and Gwen medias rea-ing all over their bedroom — an apparently exuberant sex marathon that I watched like most people do The Exorcist, through hands in front of my eyes, with equal parts fascination and revulsion.

For some reason, a shoe figures prominently into this rather athletic two-person orgy, as if Gwen had decided to test out that old theory about shoe size and male endowment. If that’s the case, I can only imagine how deflating Gwen’s gales of hysterical laughter here must be for poor Rhys, as if he hasn’t suffered enough humiliation thanks to her.

We cut to the Hub, where it’s apparently a slow day, as Jack is having everybody do what is clearly meaningless busy work so he can catch up on gazing at himself in the mirror. He orders Tosh and Owen to sort through a box of “unlabeled Class D artifacts,” and I’m a bit surprised they so cavalierly keep this stuff lying around the office this way, as if none of them had ever been endangered by seemingly harmless alien objects before.

Then Jack tells some weasley looking guy named Adam to go through investigation reports to find if any of these artifacts came through the Rift. Adam seems to be a part of the team, to the point where they’ve even inserted clips of him into the opening “blah blah everything changes blah blah Torchwood is ready” montage. Uh oh. This better not be one of those feeble attempts to spring a new cast member on unsuspecting viewers, something that always spells disaster of shark-jumping proportions. Adam better not be Jack’s long-lost cousin Oliver.

At first glance, in looks and demeanor, Adam seems to be part Charlie from Lost and part David Spade. In other words, I pretty much loathe him, and that’s before he’s even gotten out of his chair.

Gwen enters and, after Jack joshes her about being late, says, “Yes, Paris was lovely, thank you.” Then she spies Adam and, frowning, says, “Who the hell is this?”

Like me, she probably suspects the Hubbies have taken advantage of her brief absence to hire the first remotely suitable replacement for her they’ve found, like Adam is the guy who works at the smoothie shop down the street and they told him he could name his salary if he’d agree to take over as their second-in-command and start immediately.

Adam approaches her and says something about how he said the same thing on the day she started, placing a paternal hand on her shoulder like the boss in Office Space does whenever he says, “I’m going to need that report, m’kay?” His touch ignites a series of arty flashback-like scenes of him with Gwen, and even in these false memories, she’s a total tease, giggling, poking him, and finding reasons to tackle him during basketball.

One of these faux flashback images features a gorgeous shot of a pot of coffee pouring and freezing mid-air, as if the Maxwell House people decided to blow all their marketing budget on a 10-second Super Bowl spot and demanded the ad agency make it look like The Matrix.

After Adam drops his hand, Gwen smiles at him with clear recognition, saying, “Sorry, I couldn’t resist … good to see you.”

After the credits, we see Adam sitting at a computer, entering his name and other vitals. Tosh comes in and asks what he’s up to, and he claims to be looking for details of Rift activity.

I can’t believe they don’t realize he’s evil. I mean, his name is Adam, and on TV that’s never a good thing. Hello? Adam Carrington? Adam the big bad mega -monster on Buffy season four?! Grizzly Freakin’ Adams?!! It’s like the people working at Torchwood are so busy they never take the time to watch TV and therefore don’t know anything useful.