Torchwood Episode 206 Recap: "Reset"

TW Conference Room. Owen and Martha give a beautifully-executed alien larvae PowerPoint presentation to the team. They explain that the larvae is the mechanism by which the “Reset” drug is administered to human bodies, erasing all forms of disease and essentially resetting the body “back to the factory settings.”

Gwen calls it the greatest single medical discovery ever known, which Martha agrees with, other than the caveat that it comes “bundled with a lethal alien parasite.” Jack says, “Ah. Not so good a discovery.”

I don’t know. If it also functions as an appetite suppressant and sex drive enhancer, I know plenty of people who wouldn’t mind the parasite part.

The Pharm people might be evil geniuses but they need to learn a thing or two about marketing. For one thing, the name “Reset” doesn’t sound seriously pharmaceutical enough. How about “Resetra” instead?

I can just picture the commercial. Guitar strumming, older couple windsurfing, mom and child baking cookies, that kind of feel-good “go out and enjoy life even though you’re probably dying of something” imagery. Soothing voice-over: “Got mortality? It’s time to Reset.” And then at super-speed: “Side effects may include diarrhea, insomnia, night sweats, and spewing alien larvae. Life expectancy beyond a month not a guarantee.”

Jack wonders who’s running the Pharm. According to Ianto’s research, the Pharmer in charge is one Dr. Aaron Copley, and as soon as they flash his picture, I say, “He did it! Whatever it is, he did it!” Because he’s played by Alan Dale, who has pretty much cornered the market on rich, powerful, evil white guys on television. The good news, if The O.C. and Ugly Betty are anything to go on, is that he drops dead pretty often and easily.

We cut to the opening credits of Dynasty, with a gorgeous helicopter shot of a car driving along a windy, pine-foresty road to approach a big mansion on a hill. Jack and Owen are in the car, and they stop at a security gate, announcing themselves as “Torchwood,” which naturally grants them immediate access.

The Pharm complex has armed security guards and is surrounded by barbed wire fences. I know they said the eyeball-piercing victims had nothing in common, but I think we can now identify that they were all astonishingly stupid, because what kind of idiot agrees to enroll in a secret “research” project in what’s as close to a James Band villain compound as you’d find anywhere?

Alan Dale a.k.a. Mr. Meade a.k.a. Kiki’s father a.k.a. Charles Widmore ushers Jack and Owen into his office, the kind of prissy old-world office with a puny desk and frou-frou drapes where there’s no way anyone other than an evil genius would actually do any work of any kind. They proceed to go through the kind of convivial/hostile banter you’d expect to hear from corporate tycoons on the racquetball court …

Copley: Mr. Harker.
Jack: It’s Harkness, and it’s actually Captain. But you can call me Jack.
Copley: Where did you park your boat?
Jack: Ha ha ha ha ha. HA! I like a good joke. Know any good gags about clinical trials?

Jack proceeds to spread out headshots of the actors playing the crime victims. He explains that one of them died of a “parasitic infection of alien origin” and mentioned the Pharm before she died. Copley is like “Aliens? Preposterous!” Owen’s good-cop strategy is to kiss ass by reciting the highlights of Copley’s CV and then say, “If there was a drug that could restore human bodies back to their factory setting, you would know about it.” Copley agrees but insists no such drug exists. But Jack’s not buying it …

Jack: I had a boyfriend whose nostrils flared when he was lying.

I suppose that must have been convenient. But personally, I’d rather have a boyfriend who lied like Pinocchio. Except when he lied, it wouldn’t exactly be his nose that grew, if you catch my drift … He’d be my very own Pornocchio.

After being called a liar, Copley gives them the brush-off, saying he’s got another appointment but they’re welcome to take the PR tour. Jack says they normally go wherever they like, but Copley says, “Not here… ask Whitehall.” Jack says, “Yeah, I had a bad experience with a politician recently. I tend not to listen to Whitehall anymore” (R.M.™).

Outside, Owen and Jack are escorted to their car by armed security. In the car, Jack does a scannery thing and determines the Pharm compound has a high concentration of alien life forms. Then he says, “Gray is so not her color,” and it’s anyone’s guess if he means the female security guard or the guy standing next to her.