Torchwood Episode 207 Recap: “Dead Man Walking”

As he rushes out, she turns the next card. It’s the Death Card. Gee, what a surprise. Actually, I can’t think of a single instance in TV or movies where use of Tarot cards hasn’t yielded a Death Card. It’s narratively impossible. And what were those Tarot people thinking, anyway, including such a depressing card in their little party game? What would have been so terrible with a “Puppies & Ponies” card?

Cut to the exterior of a church. Jack angrily kicks down the sign in front that reads “St. Mary’s Church.” Like it’s the sign’s fault Owen’s dead and Jack has to shlep all over Cardiff looking for “it” when he’d rather be home snuggling with Ianto watching reruns of Smallville. He steps into the darkened church and hears a loud rumbling sound. It’s the sound of about a hundred Weevils snoring.

He gingerly steps through the snoozing-Weevil-filled room, just like that scene in Aliens when Ripley gingerly steps through that alien-egg-filled room. Which, of course, is just like the scene at the end of The Birds. They try to build suspense by having Jack brush against a Weevil here or there, as if that might wake them, whereas I’d think a bigger problem would be one of them getting up to pee or turn on The Colbert Report.

Jack works his way to the front of the church, where the Weevils have amassed quite a pile of junk. He opens one box and finds a bunch of ratty dolls, taking an extra moment to fondle and grope an old Steve Austin doll. And by the way, for any of you homophobic parents all worried about your sons playing Barbies, I think it was much more likely that playing with G.I. Joe turned me gay, which if you think about it, well duh. Of course, I was 16 at the time. And Joe was a kid in my chem class.

Jack turns his attention to something hidden in a crevice of the church wall. He reaches to grab it, slips, and finally wakes the beasts.

Turns out, Weevils wake up much like I do —snarling at the new day, frightful looking, and unable to summon the minimal energy necessary to move without the rejuvenating effects of coffee and/or morning nookie. At least that’s what I’m guessing, because Jack gets out of there with nary a scratch, and we next see him carrying a big box back into the Hub.

He opens the box, takes something out, and turns around to present it with a proud “Ta-Dah!” look on his face. It’s the Resurrection Glove …

… you’ve got to be kidding me. That’s how they’re going to get out of this Owen is dead fix they’re in? Seriously? The old Resurrection Glove? That glove shows up in so many episodes, it’s like it’s got its own agent and is vying for a spin-off. “New this fall! Touch Wood. It’s the glove that feels your pain.”

The others try to talk Jack out of it, reminding him of how things worked out the other times the glove was used. I have to agree with them, and also point out that they really should know by now it’s never a good idea to resurrect what’s presumed dead. Look at Frankenstein … and Zombies … and Paula Abdul’s singing career.

Gwen also raises the issue that the glove didn’t work for Jack last time. And the writers’ ingenious way of dealing with that little loophole from last year that, I’m sure, they’d rather we had simply forgotten, is for Jack to offer this explanation: “Different glove, different circumstances. This time, it has to work for me. I’m not going to give it any other choice.” You know, I haven’t done this in a while, but sometimes the circumstances just cry out for it: Lalalalala! Hop hop hop!

Jack instructs everybody to prepare what they want to say to Owen during the two minutes he’ll be back with them. Hey, that reminds me. Wouldn’t it be a totally cool premise for a TV series if a guy could touch people and bring them back to life but only for like a minute? I have got to get to work pitching that. It’s so original.

Jack puts the glove on, and I’m sorry to say, the look just does not work for him. Someone with so much gay in him should really know how to accessorize that coat better.