Torchwood Episode 207 Recap: “Dead Man Walking”

Gwen goes off alone to call Rhys, and even though he denies it, she totally wakes him up. I’m distracted through much of this scene by a string of chili pepper lights hanging in their bedroom, which makes me wonder if, with Gwen away so much, Rhys lulls himself to sleep by masturbating to thoughts of Mexican food.

Gwen starts sobbing, and I’m figuring the death of her former lover is going to lead her once again to confess her infidelity to Rhys, only to realize too late that you can’t exactly Retcon someone by phone. But all she says is that she had “a tough day.” And of course she doesn’t ask Rhys about his day, like everything is always free danishes and casual Fridays at Harwood’s Haulage.

Back in the morgue, Martha gives Owen a special wristwatch. Everyone at Torchwood gets one when they die — it’s the ultimate retirement gift. Actually, it’s to monitor energy in his body, which is changing composition since the glove. She’s got her own matching scanner that reads his levels. Loving all this attention from her, Owen gets flirty and says, “Is it still necrophilia if I’m still conscious?” And what lady wouldn’t be turned on by such a charming and macabre come-on line?

Martha gets all serious about what it was like to die. Owen doesn’t really want to get into it, but seeing she won’t be put off easily, he launches into an account of running toward the light and pearly gates. Martha finally realizes he’s pulling her leg and calls him an idiot. So he 'fesses up to the fact that “there was nothing,” although when it happened to Suzie, she’d said “there was something beyond life … in the darkness.”

Suddenly, Owen is himself surrounded by darkness. He hears whispers, and keeps turning around frantically shouting for Martha. It looks an awful lot like really bad interpretive dance performances I’ve seen. Shudder.

He screams and then is suddenly back with Martha who, along with Jack, tries to comfort him. “There was something,” Owen cries. “It was waiting for me.”

TW Conference Room. Martha says Owen’s body is going through a change. I know he’s childish, but isn’t he a little old to be going through puberty? Although he does have all those wet dreams. And that B.O. problem … Anyway, according to Martha, Owen is currently “40% something else,” although they don’t know what. Tosh guesses the energy in Owen is likely coming from the same place as the glove, although they have no idea where that might be.

As they exit the room, Tosh pulls Owen aside to revisit her little deathbed love confession. Owen says he knows she didn’t mean it. As far as he’s concerned, she confused grief for love, and only the prospect of losing something led her to desire it.

Is he really so clueless as to believe she’s only felt this way since he died? Even after the whole date discussion last week? She tries to explain, but he huffs off saying he needs the toilet. So even though he’s 40% “something else,” he’s still 100% “total ass.”

Now alone, Owen sighs, but is suddenly back in the dark place. This time we get a funhouse mirror effect as he screams, then he’s back alone in the Hub. Except he starts speaking a weird language in a creepy Exorcist voice, and his eyes are all black, an effect I haven’t seen since The X Files, right about the time it started to suck.

In one way, Owen’s look and the voice are really disturbing. But in another way … look, I had promised myself to quit with the monkey-boy comments, because it’s been pretty well established that, looks wise, he’s no Jack or Ianto. But now it’s like they’re deliberately inviting us to see him as some sort of chimp-man. Take a look at him with those black eyes and pale face and tell me he isn’t the spitting image of Ross’s pet monkey from Friends.

It’s so uncanny a resemblance that I’d say the Hubbies’ greatest problem now is Owen biting somebody and kicking off an Ebola outbreak that only Dustin Hoffman can prevent.