Torchwood Episode 209 Recap: "Something Borrowed"

Gwen and her parents pull up at the hotel where the wedding is to take place. It’s a fairly spectacular estate that looks like the house from Brideshead Revisited, which means it’s the perfect location for Ianto and Jack to have picnics and gaze longingly at each other without ever touching.

While Gwen signs in at registration, her parents whisper about how Rhys must have been under orders not to say anything about the pregnancy. They say something about Gwen being the “mistress” in “control” of her man, and share this weird little flirtatious giggle over it that creeped me out with its intimations of late-night S&M orgies in the Cooper family manse.

Rhys’ parents then enter, and they’re far more plausible as his actual family, given they’re a bit rougher around the edges. The two mothers-in-law couldn’t be more different — Gwen’s mom is like a tightly wound Helen Mirren, Rhys’ a “throw momma from the train” type — and it’s clear they loathe each other.

The moms share an air kiss and trade barbs about each other’s outfits, and I just love catty behavior like this. Especially when it’s accompanied by an epic battle of the big hats, like the astonishingly grandiose ones these two are wearing, which makes it look like those spaceships Gwen had been worried about ruining her wedding day have not only arrived but landed right on their heads.

Rhys’ hotel room. Gwen rushes in and tells him they can’t lie to their parents, since they’re just going to get excited about grandchildren and would be devastated later on to hear she’s “lost” the “baby.” Rhys suggests telling the truth, but Gwen doesn’t want to scare her parents with talk of time rifts and sewer monsters.

In the hotel lobby, the Harpy Twins arrive, now wearing bridesmaids’ gowns, carrying on about how the swank hotel is “class on toast.” Along with them is Mervyn, a friend of Rhys’ who’s going to act as D.J. at the reception.

Banana Boat, Rhys’ best man, also comes in, and every time I hear his name I think of sit-coms where the Eddie Haskell best friend/troublemaker character is called something like “Booger” or “Boner.” He’s actually not bad looking in a Jay Mohr sort of way. Mervyn, on the other hand, is shlumpy and obnoxious in a James Belushi sort of way.

Banana sees Tosh entering, and in a repeat of that classic Young Frankenstein line about the huge knockers says to her, “You’ve got a big box.” Heh. She actually does have a big box, containing Gwen’s new dress, and even though Banana offers to help and is cute and into her and, most importantly, not dead, she still gives him the brush off ...

Banana: I’m Banana. Can you tell why?
Tosh: You come up in spots and go soft quickly? …
Banana: Do you fancy a drink later?
Tosh: Sorry, I’m intolerant of vasoactive amines … Bananas make me vomit.

Oooh, snap. Who unleashed Tosh’s inner drag queen? And what can we do to keep her around for awhile?