Torchwood Episode 209 Recap: "Something Borrowed"

Bridal Suite. Tosh enters and presents Gwen with the dress. She says it’s beautiful, then notices Tosh seems sad. So she does what all brides love to do, and makes her friend feel like crap for still being single, making condescending remarks about how “it’ll happen for you one day.”

Tosh says that, where Owen’s concerned, the idea of “til death do us part” now sounds like a bad joke. Then she does what all single friends do at weddings and ditches the bride to get drunk at the bar.

The Hub. Jack flips through a brochure of wedding gowns, agreeing with Ianto’s choice. That’s certainly good news for Gwen; how many brides would be relieved to know that both the gay guys at work like their dress? Ianto explains how he was able to estimate Gwen’s size …

Ianto: As you know, my Dad was a master tailor. He could size a man’s inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop’s threshold.
Jack: Ah! The family eye. Remind me to test it some time.
Ianto: Well, if later on—

Or course Owen interrupts at that very moment, and Ianto has to fake being busy, saying, “Right, brilliant, that one.” Which is pretty much what’s happened all season long any time we’ve had one of these juicy teasers about their kinky sex life. For once, can’t they lock the door first? And can’t the show’s producers keep the cameras running?

In the morgue, Owen holds up what looks like a rack of barbecued ribs covered in slime and says it’s a “proteus gland,” evidence that the shape-shifter is a “Nostrovite.” Or as Jack says, “Big trouble.”

Hotel bar. Mervyn hits on a hot-looking woman, and the first clear sign she’s not remotely human is the fact she accepts his advances. Ever since the movie Species, makers of sci-fi movies and TV shows have realized there’s no better way to win over scores of the much-coveted geek audience than by making aliens look like hot babes.

Mervyn proceeds to stick it to the Alien Babe, right there in the bar. Meaning he tries to pin a flower on her but pricks her with it, drawing blood. Heh heh. I said, “prick.” He apologizes and offers to get her a drink, but she says she feels more like “a bite.”

After they leave, Tosh goes to the bar to order a wine spritzer, and sees that the blood spot on the woman’s cocktail napkin is black.

The Harpy Twins show up at Gwen’s door and, seeing she’s pregnant, gasp about the rumor being true.

Meanwhile, in another hotel room, Mervyn and the Alien Babe are trying to make a baby all their own. She rips open his shirt, and then her head moves steadily downward toward his fly. Apparently she’s the type who swallows. And eats and chews. Because we soon hear Mervyn screaming as her head tears at his flesh.

Meanwhile, in the hotel hallway, Tosh is looking for the black-blooded Alien Babe from the bar. Banana sees Tosh and starts hitting on her again, calling her “baby,” so she slams him into a wall and takes out her gun. With all the farcical goings-on inside this hotel, it’s starting to feel like an episode of Frasier. Then they hear the screaming …

Opening the door with her gun blazing, Tosh sees blood on the bed and the Alien Babe calmly putting on lipstick. But Banana’s right behind her, and when Tosh turns around to face him, Alien Babe knocks her out cold. Grabbing Banana by the throat, she purrs, “You’re lucky I’m watching my figure. But maybe I’ll keep you for tea.”