Torchwood Episode 209 Recap: "Something Borrowed"

The Hub. Jack explains to Ianto that a Nostrovite is a devious shape-shifter with a taste for human flesh. And there’s certainly more than one of them to contend with …

Owen: Nostrovites mate for life. Like swans and penguins.
Jack: Yeah, except you don’t find Nostrovites on greeting cards.

True. But maybe one day someone will write a charming children’s book about a pair of same-sex Nostrovites who raise a baby named Tango. And it will promptly be banned from school libraries by right wing fundies who claim it promotes the deviant Nostrovite lifestyle.

Anyway, the problem for Gwen is that after the male Nostrovite passes on the eggs via bite, the host carries it to term, and then the mother Nostrovite comes along and rips it out. Which kind of makes having a C-section seem relatively tame.

At the hotel, Gwen walks downstairs to the lobby and, passing the Alien Babe, feels a painful cramp. Alien Babe says, “He’s flexing his muscles. Not long to go now.” Either Gwen doesn’t realize how bizarre this little encounter is or she figures this nut-job is from Rhys’ side of the family and she’s just going to have to learn to live with their oddities.

Outside the Hub, Ianto pulls up in the Torchmobile and Owen starts loading it up. Jack says he might not want to come with, given a Nostrovite can be chewing on your liver before you know it, but Owen points out he doesn’t need his liver. On the other hand, the team needs him, specifically this … and he unloads the EarPhone from the “Reset” episode, now calling it the “singularity scalpel.” Jack is skeptical, but Owen promises he’s been working on it and that chances are slim it will kill anyone this time.

Ianto thinks it’s a good idea, leading Jack to gripe, “What’s up with you? Ever since Owen died, all you do is agree with him!” Hey Jack, if that bugs you, just imagine how Ianto feels seeing his boyfriend constantly mooning over some annoying chick at work.

His response, though, is classic Ianto.

Ianto: I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead. Even if they still do most of their talking for themselves.

Bridal Suite. Gwen’s mother comes in to find her in the new dress and says she looks like an angel. I’d say more like a knocked-up Greek statue. I’m also wondering when she had time to slip into the Rift and travel to the Hairdresser’s Galaxy, because her new ’do is way too complicated to have been thrown together in that hotel room that quickly.

After her mother leaves, Gwen starts crying, and her father comes in and asks what’s wrong. She can’t live with the lies any more and admits the baby isn’t Rhys’. She comes clean about everything — working for Torchwood, the Rift, alien-hunting — and tells him she’s carrying an alien.

He smiles at her the way you would any crazy person, even one you’ve personally spawned, and excuses himself. Downstairs, he breaks the news to Gwen’s mom that wedding day stress has loosened their daughter’s already-tedious hold on reality.

Outside the hotel, Rhys’ dad, “Barry,” tells his son that his mom, “Brenda,” thinks the wedding is a disaster; for one thing, Banana Boat, much like the bride’s virginity, is nowhere to be found.

Rhys assures him he’s going through with the wedding, adding that he’s loved Gwen ever since he first laid eyes on her. His father helpfully reminds him he also loved some chick back when he was 12. Neither of them realizes this little girl also worked for Torchwood and was regularly retconning Rhys’ juiceboxes. They wonder where Banana is …

We see Banana and Tosh head to head on the hotel bed. She asks him to get away from her, and he says he would if he could but he can’t. The camera pulls back and we see they’re trapped together by goopy black web-like strands, like they’re lounging around in Peter Parker’s bed after he’s had a particularly arousing wet dream.

Tosh asks Banana to move his hand. He does, but not in the direction she’d have chosen. There’s a pause, and then she says, “Away.” Then Banana, worried the Alien Babe is going to eat him and not in the way he’d enjoy, starts screaming for help. Even though Tosh warns him that the Babe might hear and come back, he just screams even louder. So she takes matters into her own, er, hands, grabbing his boys and warning him to shut up or he’ll be singing falsetto.