Torchwood Episode 209 Recap: "Something Borrowed"

Here comes the preggers bride. Gwen walks down the aisle and is met by the kind of horrified gasps that Tilda Swinton heard at the Oscars red carpet.

Even though the Harpy Twins have rationalized they hadn’t noticed Gwen’s pregnancy due to a combination of “camouflage dressing” and their own drunkenness — something I’m guessing they use to rationalize all sorts of happenings in their lives — everyone else seems fairly shocked to see the bride and her belly ambling down the aisle. The Alien Babe, of course, is all smiles, biding her time until she can induce labor the old fashioned way.

Meanwhile, the Torchmobile is speeding its way toward the hotel. Jack doesn’t understand why couples make a big deal out of their weddings and then insist on having them in such out of the way places. Ianto, getting peeved that Jack is so dense about these things, snits, “It’s because the happy couple want everything to be perfect.” Uh oh. We’re getting more and more signs of just how differently Jack and Ianto view their future together, and I seriously fear Ianto’s going to get his heart broken.

At the ceremony, they’re just at the “If anyone can show just cause … forever hold his peace” part, and as is required by international TV law, someone comes in to “speak now.” It’s Jack, and he runs down the aisle screaming, “Stoooooooop!!!!”

At the altar, Gwen and Rhys try to convey to Jack how serious they are about proceeding. But Jack points out it’s now a life-or-death matter. Meanwhile, Rhys’ mother takes Jack’s appearance as proof the baby isn’t his, an assumption shared by the Harpy Twins.

One Harpy says to the other that she’s got to go find Mervyn and tell him “not to bother getting George Michael out of the van.” I sure hope she means a recording, because I’d hate to think things have gotten so bad for George Michael’s career that he’s been reduced to wedding singing. In Cardiff no less.

Inside the hotel, Ianto and Owen get a fix on Tosh’s coms, and track her to the hotel room where she’s strung up like a coconut next to Banana. Owen sees the half-eaten form of Mervyn, and even though he’s a doctor, he finds the sight utterly disgusting. Plus it doesn’t bode well for the reception when the life of the party shows up dead.

Bridal Suite. Jack goes over the basics of Nostrovite childbirth, describing it as more of a “threeway” and subconsciously gesturing at himself, Gwen, and Rhys. That’s actually a romantic development I wouldn’t mind seeing played out. Jack adds that Mama Nostrovite is not only nearby, but, being a shape-shifter, could look like anyone at the wedding.

Gwen sticks with her “no stopping the wedding no matter what” line. She says ever since she met Jack, all Rhys has had to put with is crap. Almost all of which has more to do with her than anything Jack ever did, of course. Rhys finally pipes up with his own opinion, thank God, because I was starting to think this was going to be one of those relationships where the wedding day is the last time the groom ever speaks. He says it’s his wedding too, and he should get a say in what happens. His main concern is Gwen’s safety.

We cut to the inside of a mouth in a full-out, spine-rattling scream. It’s the Harpy who went to look for Mervyn, and lucky her, she found him. Jack and the others rush in, just as Harpy rushes out, so Jack orders Ianto to get the situation “contained.” Tosh tells Jack that she’s seen the Nostrovite and she’s wearing black.

At the wedding hall, the moms wonder what’s going on, with Brenda ready to blame the “American with no sense of timing or fashion.” Which is rich coming from a woman dressed like some sort of feathered gecko. Just then, the Harpy enters screaming that Mervyn’s been murdered, leaving poor Ianto to have to contact Jack and report the situation as “uncontained.” Jack tells him to jam the phone lines so no one can call the police.

Jack runs into the wedding hall and asks for everyone’s attention. Gwen’s father, hearing he’s from Torchwood, is surprised to learn that his daughter’s crazy story is true. I’m surprised too because we’ve recently been led to believe so many people know about Torchwood that mere mention of it is enough to clear a busy hospital, yet none of these people seem familiar with it at all.

Just then, Tosh identifies Alien Babe, and the claws come out. Everybody screams at the sight of her, and while Jack shoots at her, she crashes through a window and runs away. Which is funny because most people crashing weddings are trying to get in to them.