Torchwood Episode 209 Recap: "Something Borrowed"

Back in the bridal suite, Owen has stayed behind with Gwen and Rhys and whipped out the old singularity scalpel, much to Gwen’s horror. There’s a knock at the door and Rhys’ mom, Brenda, comes in to report the monster sighting. Owen goes outside to call Jack, and mentions that Rhys’ mom is with Gwen. Which is surprising for Jack to hear since he can spot another Brenda just across the garden. D’oh!

Jack and the others burst into the bridal suite and point their guns at Brenda, while a shocked Rhys looks on …

Jack: Get back, you ugly bitch!
Rhys: What the hell do you think you're doing? That's my mother.
Jack: No, it's the alien.
Brenda: I'm not an alien!
Jack: You’re good. I'll give you that.
Brenda: But I'm not!
Jack: Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto.

And I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Jack had dated both of them. Gwen, meanwhile, asks if the shape-shifter can copy smells, and Owen says it can’t. Gwen says that means this is really Brenda, since Gwen can recognize her “bloody awful perfume.” Hearing this, Rhys promptly clocks Jack as payback for calling his mother an ugly bitch. I’m guessing it’s not the first or last time he’s had to do that to someone for that very same reason.

Tosh then asks, “If that’s Rhy’s mom, then who’s that outside?” an example of the smartest person on this show asking just about the dumbest question ever. It’s times like this when I really want to root for the aliens.

In the garden, when the other Brenda sees the Hubbies running toward her with guns raised, she morphs into Alien Brenda, fangs and claws and feathered hat intact, a monster who’s less Dawn of the Dead scary and more Shaun of the Dead silly.

Alien Brenda grabs Gwen’s mother and threatens to kill her unless Gwen gives up the baby inside her. Gwen slowly approaches, telling Jack and her mother that it’s all going to be OK. She’s almost there when Alien Brenda screams, “Come to Mama,” and tosses Gwen’s mother aside to reach out for Gwen’s stomach. But Gwen shoots her with her bouquet. Or rather shoots her with a gun concealed in her bouquet. It’s totally Femme Nikita, and about the most badass thing we’ve ever seen from her. I love it!

Unfortunately, Alien Brenda still manages to get away, and Jack warns it will be back looking for Gwen.

Owen and Rhys take Gwen inside the hotel, and Owen asks to talk to Rhys alone. He wants to show Rhys how to use the singularity scalpel, because he thinks with his injured hand it would be better for someone with “two good mitts” to do it, and how misguided is that line of reasoning? Think about it. You’re lying on an operating table waiting to have your appendix removed. Who would you want holding the scalpel? A doctor who can only hold it with one hand? Or some dolt off the street with two?

Bridal Suite. Gwen stares at herself in the mirror bemoaning the black blood splotches on her pretty dress. Jack comes in and stands behind her, and they talk about how much they mean to each other as Jack gives her a neck massage. Then they move in for a kiss.

I’m sure many people will have a lot to say about this scene, and many of the Janto shippers will be screaming bloody murder. But as I read it, the people behind the show know full well at this point how most of us feel about Gwack; they know and they’ve put this scene in just to mess with us. At the same time, it’s very clear to me the whole time that this isn’t actually Jack — there’s just no way he would ever say a line like “you’re not the only one who met somebody that knocked their word out of kilter” — and that Gwen knows it too and is just biding her time until she can take him out.

Which is pretty much what happens. Jack morphs into Alien Jack, and she knocks him out with a nearby candelabra — the rope, the knife, and the gun apparently all locked in the billiard room.

Owen bursts in and tells Rhys to take Gwen away, while he shoots at Alien Jack. Alien Jack falls on the bed, but when Owen goes to investigate, it rises up as if about to attack. Instead, he sniffs him, and one whiff of Owen is all it takes for him to flee in horror. As an aside: to me it looks like Barrowman can barely contain his laughter filming this.