Torchwood Episode 209 Recap: "Something Borrowed"

The real Jack comes in with Ianto and Tosh, and Owen explains that the Nostrovite must have been turned off by his rotten dead smell. Also, given how many of them have tried to shoot it without success, it’s mothering instinct must be too powerful for their measly guns.

Jack says, “Then we’re going to need a bigger gun.” Out at the SUV, we get a Transformers-like sequence as this huge mega-weapon is assembled by the boys, all delighted as ever to be playing with the biggest phallic toys in the toy chest.

Meanwhile, Rhys and Gwen are on the run. He asks if she’s OK, and she snots back, “I’m running around in a wedding dress with what feels like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt, how do you think?” So she’s OK but also hormonally psychotic.

They run into what appears to be a manger. Another Jesus reference? Who’s running the show this season, Mel Gibson? Rhys takes out the scalpel, and I find it hilarious that the sight of him with it makes Gwen scream louder than anything else she’s been through. Rhys revs it up and promptly zaps the wall behind her. As the Shape-Shifter pounds the barn door trying to get in, Rhys zaps Gwen again.

She collapses and we get the old “she’s dead, no she’s not” fake out. Then she sits up, clearly no longer pregnant. Just then, Alien Brenda slams through the door, calling Rhys “a bad boy.” Rhys tells her he’s had enough, what with getting his girlfriend pregnant, impersonating his mom, and ruining his wedding. And he grabs a chainsaw! Woo-hoo! I love kick-ass Rhys! Unfortantely, the saw conks out before he can eviscerate his own (sort of) mother.

Fortunately, Jack comes in with his bigger gun and blows the Nostrovite away, splattering Rhys with black blood. Jack says, “How’s that for a shape shift?” and he really needs to work on his smarmy action-hero one-liners because that’s just lame.

Jack lifts Gwen up in his arms, but just before my gag reflex kicks in, he places her beside Rhys and says, “the hero always gets the girl.” He also tells Rhys that the whole Evil Dead thing looks good on him. I absolutely agree.

Back in the wedding hall, Gwen finally takes Rhys to be her husband. Now would be an excellent time for him to break the news he’s carrying a Tenctonese fetus. The other Hubbies look on and applaud the happy couple.

Wedding Reception. Owen asks Tosh to dance, so Jack decides to go cut in on Rhys and Gwen. Given the kind of wedding it’s been so far, I think it would have been perfect for the newlyweds to be dancing to Billy Idol. No such luck. Maybe if Mervyn had lived to D.J. another day.

For a moment, Gwen and Jack gaze at each other while dancing. But I’m actually OK with it, because I believe all the speeches Gwen’s made this episode about her love of Rhys, and I believe Jack when he talks about how right Rhys is for her. If they need this little moment to wallow in their feelings for each other just once more, I’m fine with it, just so long as everybody’s moving on.

Gwen asks Jack what he’ll do while she’s gone, and he says, “Oh, the usual. Pizza. Ianto.” And they both laugh and laugh, because it’s just hilarious how Jack using an employee as his personal sex toy is common knowledge around the office. Fortunately Ianto himself approaches and asks to cut in. Gwen assumes he wants her, and he pretty much pushes her aside to get to Jack.

The two men slowdance, and no one at the reception bats an eye. Between that and George Michael, I’m wondering if I should move to Cardiff.

I love seeing men dance together, and it’s very romantic. For about half a second. Then Jack has to start looking across the room at Gwen, and I start having to Lalalalala and shield my eyes, not so much because I’m worried about a future for Gwack, but because I truly fear for Ianto’s sensitive soul. I just have a bad feeling about Janto, and I don’t think it has to do with Gwen so much as how screwed up Jack is.