Torchwood Episode 212 Recap: “Fragments”

I don’t think they ever announce their names, but various Torchwood fan sites indicate that the older, butch one is “Emily Holroyd,” and the younger, femmier one is “Alice Guppy.” Which makes me wonder if she’s supposed to be the sister of Bleak House’s William Guppy played by Owen himself (Burn Gorman), and that they’re paving the way for some Torchwood-Bleak House cross-over where it’s revealed that Bleak House Guppy really is Owen, and Gillian Anderson’s Lady Dedlock really is Scully, and they’ve both gone back in time to help Torchwood hunt for a shape-shifting alien who’s currently disguised as Helena Bonham Carter or Colin Firth.

The women explain to Jack that Torchwood was created to “combat the threat posed by The Doctor and other phantasmagoria.” Jack counters that The Doctor’s the one who will save everyone from “phantasma-whoosits.” He adds that The Doctor left him behind but he’s confident he’ll return for him, which is why he’s hanging around Cardiff, since the local rift is where The Doctor refuels.

The women then offer him a job, and I’m confused why people so suspicious of “phantasmagoria” would be so eager to work with someone as phantasmic as an unkillable man.

He’s reluctant to accept their offer, until they remind him that he’s going to need currency. His first assignment is a “missing person,” although Alice points out, not really a “person” in the strictest sense …

Cut to Jack throwing down a blowfish alien just like the one in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.” The funniest part for me is that the fish is wearing period-appropriate clothing, like the clothes are going to help him blend in.

Jack recites his various crimes, including “pickpocketing,” leading me to hope they’re going to launch into a number or two from Oliver, because how awesome would it be to see a chorus of blowfish singing “You’ve Got to Pick a Pocket or Two”?

Jack says that earth is still a century away from officially making first contact with aliens, and a walking blowfish is kind of messing with the schedule. So he brings Little Lord Fugu-roy back to the vaults, asking the women what they’re going to do with him. Before he can get the words out, Alice blows fishy to smithereens, saying that he was “a threat to the Empire.” I thought the only threat to the Empire was that pair of droids.

Jack, on the other hand, they now consider their ally. Lucky him. Emily pays him for his services, and prepares to give him his next assignment. Jack isn’t so eager, but they warn that if he doesn’t help them, he’ll be perceived as a threat, and look how they handle threats. Plus he still needs the dough. They advise him to take a night off to think about it.

After he leaves, Alice says, “He’s pretty.” Then, gazing at Emily, she adds, “But you’re prettier.” A-ha! I told you they’re just like Cagney & Lacey!

Jack goes to some bawdy pub and tries to get drunk. He’s approached by the same precocious child actress/Tarot reader we saw earlier this season, and given the fact she doesn’t age a day in all those decades, it seems she too must be dipping into the botox.

She offers to give Jack a reading. He declines, and just like all precocious children, she ignores him and does exactly what she wants. She turns cards and tells him that the one he’s waiting for will come but it will take a couple of centuries. Why he takes her at her word and doesn’t suspect that Alice and Emily put her up to this is beyond me. But believe her he does, whining, “You mean I have to wait 100 years? What will I do in the meantime?”

Cut to a really cool montage that shows Torchwood files on Jack being written up through the years, first with pen and ink, then with a typewriter, and finally with a computer. I think it would have been really funny to have a similar montage of computers advancing through the years, from the Commodore 64 to the iMac, but I guess time limits prevented that.

We cut to a live newscast of New Year’s Eve 1999, and I cracked up when they talked about how the new millennium was being celebrated the world over, but forget about Paris, Tokyo, Sydney, or New York, “we take you first to Cardiff.”

Jack enters what appears to be a previous incarnation of the Hub before it really had a Hub. The writers take advantage of the time frame to dust off an old Y2K reference (Jack: “When you joked about the millennium bug, I didn’t realize it was going to have 18 legs …”), but make up for it with a Prince reference (“You know you’re supposed to party like it’s …”). IMO, Prince is timeless.