Torchwood Episode 212 Recap: “Fragments”

Ianto gestures toward Jack’s face to point out he’s bleeding, or at least he was a second ago, and Jack backs away from his touch, at least for now. When Ianto mentions the word “Weevil,” Jack plays dumb and starts walking away, thanking Ianto for his assistance. Ianto tells him, “By the way, love the coat.”

The chemistry between the two of them is absolutely crackling here. But there is a bit of revisionist history going on as well. Clearly they’re trying to show how, right from the start, there was this romantic Janto spark, although in the first few episodes of the series, there was nothing of the kind evident between them at all.

They’re also trying to skim over the little fact that at this very moment Ianto’s got his cyber-girlfriend stored away somewhere and is plotting how to get her into the Hub for safekeeping. Instead, they’ve really made him all-out into Jack and all-out gay, with tight jeans and an open collar and a twink necklace that make him look like he’s spent the night gyrating to “It’s Raining Men.” Needless to say, I’m fine with all this since he looks absolutely adorable.

The next morning, Jack emerges from Torchwood Central, not via invisible lift, but through the dock-side front entrance and out into the crowded light of day, so this is clearly taking place before he tried to enforce any sort of secrecy about Torchwood’s existence, and we all know how long that lasted even when he did.

Ianto is waiting for him outside bearing a cup of coffee, and a single sip is enough to bring Jack nearly to orgasm. And yet, when Ianto says he wants to work for him, Jack refuses, and I’m completely bewildered as to why. How many cute young things show up on his doorstep not only throwing themselves at him but thoughtful enough to bring refreshment? I would have been like, “You had me at caffeine.”

Ianto tries to tell Jack about himself, but Jack shows that he already knows all about him, reciting all of Ianto’s vital stats, including his birthday, student record, and conviction for shoplifting. I’m surprised he left out the time his parents caught him masturbating to Red Dawn, not to mention the stint in the psychiatric hospital.

Jack also knows about his work as a junior researcher at Torchwood London, and his girlfriend Lisa who, Ianto is quick to point out lest Jack think he’s off limits as a potential sex buddy, is “deceased.”

Jack explains that since Ianto knew what a “Weevil” was, he was forced to check him out, meaning check out more of him than the nicely compact ass he’d already checked out the night before. But he’s not interested in him or anything having to do with Torchwood London. So Ianto starts begging …

Ianto: Trial period, three months … three weeks … three days … I’ll work for nothing.
Jack: No.
Ianto: I saw what they did at Canary Wharf. What am I supposed to do with those memories?
Jack: Not my responsibility. And we’re not hiring.
Ianto: Same time tomorrow then?

In other words, Ianto’s back-story is that he pretty much Eve Harrington-ed his way into Jack’s life. Or, depending on your frame of cultural reference, Nomi Malone-ed. Either way, Jack should watch his back going down stairs.

Nighttime. Jack is speeding along in the SUV, giving orders on coms to Owen, Tosh, and everybody’s favorite psycho second-in-command, Suzie.

Ianto stands in front of the speeding SUV, forcing Jack to an abrupt stop. Apparently he’s been reading “Interviewing for Dummies,” and learned that, when applying for a job, one should really wear a suit.

Jack storms out of the car and rants at Ianto about how he’s sick of all the stalking. He says he wants Ianto out of town, and threatens everything from wiping his memory to running him over. Ianto is all “but, but, but,” but Jack won’t let him get a word in. When Jack finally stops to take a breath, Ianto gets to say the coolest thing ever uttered on TV …

Ianto: So you’re not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?

In other words, we’re even going to hear how the pterodactyl came to Torchwood. Next up: Janet the Weevil’s back-story!

Dinosaur hunting is an offer Jack can’t refuse, and we next see him preparing a mega-syringe for battle. Ianto snarks about the paltry equipment, and Jack snarks back about not exactly needing to keep dinosaur nets around. Ianto says, “Torchwood London would have,” and if I were Jack, I would have said, “Well, bully for them. Too bad they’re all dead.”

Ianto takes Jack to — where else? — a big empty warehouse, and as they go in, the pterodactyl swoops down to grab the two of them in its claws like a pair of prehistoric Hostess snackcakes. So they run back out and slam the door behind them, and Ianto takes advantage of this respite to theorize that Jack’s aftershave is what got the pterodactyl so excited …

Jack: I never wear any.
Ianto: You smell like that naturally?
Jack: 51st-century pheronomes. You people have no idea.

Too bad Jack’s old boss Alex isn’t around to hear this. He’d be relieved to know the future’s not all bad, given how great everybody apparently smells.